My manifesto.
If elected as Prime Minister, I shall sack the remaining MPs and thus save the country the salary of all the other MPs. I will cut the salary of the PM (me) down to £20,000 plus work-related expenses since I will be allowed to live in Downing Street for free and could rent my own place out.
I will make Jennifer Arcuri the Leader of the House of Commons (job title to be renamed). In the event that I fall in love with her within 10 minutes, I will pay myself an allowance and we will elope to France, leaving this programme to be delivered by a caretaker government composed of Boris Johnson alone, but he will be required on pain of death (to be delivered by Prince Philip in person) if he does not stick to both the letter and the spirit of it.
The UK will leave the North Atlantic because it's too cold and wet on terms I decide but which I won't make public until after it's done as otherwise people will object to them. Since 17.4 million people voted for Brexit, they obviously had the same reasons I did and therefore they will agree with this plan.
The money saved from employing all those MPs will be used to employ more postmen/women and they all get proper 1960s-style postman's uniforms because the new ones look crap. Unless a specific employee looks stupid in such a uniform, in which case they will be given a more suitable one. I won't bother nationalising Royal Mail, I'll simply start a new service to run alongside it. We can pay for this using the money saved from not having heating bills now we have left this cold location.
Trains will be painted in BR green livery because I like the colour.
I will also close the commons as it's old, crap, unfit for purpose and too snobby. Instead, the NEC in Birmingham will be compulsarily purchased and converted to a new parliamentary building. And the archaic language and customs will be banned, with any infringement being punished in the first instance by a verbal warning, followed by a written warning, and followed by having to work a day in Amazon. The same rule would apply to me.
The existing lords will continue to run as usual, but payment will be conditional on actually working for 6 hours inside the lords and tourists will be allowed to go and watch in a new improved gallery. The lords won't have any say on real legislation, but they probably won't notice. A second chamber, made up of esteemed members of UKPF, will replace the lords. They will also be expected to remain in the NEC for 6 hours for their £300 a day, but their contibutions will be fact-checked and they will be subject to discipliary proceedings if they haven't researched the subject in question. I will choose someone to watch the old lords in the existing Westminster Palace and to let me know if they have any good ideas: they might.
The UK national anthem will be replaced with the Channel 4 News theme tune and Channel 4 News will be reviewed with a view to finding a better theme tune. Any political party changing its Twitter account in order to deceive the public into thinking it is an independent fact checking service will be hit with a one-off windfall tax to pay the cost of the new theme tune.
Anyone who has a garden covered in gravel or paved other than as legitimately required for parking etc purposes will be required to offer up use of the gravelled area to someone who may want an allotment.
Following the above, I will hold a vote of confidence in myself requiring at least 2 votes to win, but, as the only MP, I will then lose and we will have another general election, using proportional representation.
In the meantime, anyone wishing to stand for a seat in Parliament (the only archaic language I will allow) will need to work in a crap job for a period not less than 9 months, during which time they will live in rented accommodation obtained on the open market and their personal assets will be held in safeguard for that period. Everyone will be given the golden handshake of £1000 and basic necessities before starting their chosen job and be assured a job on these firms' normal conditions (paid by a government bursary) and infinite chances of getting another job if one doesn't work out. To be eligible to stand for Parliament, the candidate must be able to return the £1000. Otherwise their debts will be taken from their personal assets and they can return to their normal lives.
