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WaterTight

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And therefore had to actively fight away customers, could afford to be unbelievably choosy and decided that you would be wise - not to mention at liberty - to be as discriminatory as you'd like, what might you write differently on your leaflets/website/business cards or say on the phone?

I'd start with:

1) Nothing will be looked at/discussed that wasn't mentioned before my visit. The words, "while you're here..." incur an automatic one-hour labour charge.

2) Once I am happy I know what is to be done, customer must leave the premises taking with them all spouses, children, pets and automatic air fresheners.

3) Repairs are never available unless at my discretion and the only for the joy of a challenge. Anything faulty is otherwise replaced with new.
 
Has a kind of Hans Christian Anderson feel to it this post ....love number 1 did make me smile ..regards Turnpin:smile5:
 
Every time you try to haggle the price it will double.

Builders pay up front with extra just incase.
 
WaterTight said:
And therefore had to actively fight away customers, could afford to be unbelievably choosy and decided that you would be wise - not to mention at liberty - to be as discriminatory as you'd like, what might you write differently on your leaflets/website/business cards or say on the phone?

I'd start with:

1) Nothing will be looked at/discussed that wasn't mentioned before my visit. The words, "while you're here..." incur an automatic one-hour labour charge.

2) Once I am happy I know what is to be done, customer must leave the premises taking with them all spouses, children, pets and automatic air fresheners.

3) Repairs are never available unless at my discretion and the only for the joy of a challenge. Anything faulty is otherwise replaced with new.
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Yep.......that's me to a tee :))))
 
the none appearance of coffee white no sugar will result in an instant £10 fee increase ( wait one, I do that anyhow :) )
 
You raise a good point and when I come into power automatic air freshened will be banned anyone caught with one will be dealt with in the same fashion as someone owning a fully automatic weapon. There is no difference in my opinion!
 
- If attracive females are in residence, they must test showers whilst I observe, irrespective of whether showers have been installed/repaired during that visit
- If a customer wants to watch work in progress they must do so remotely using webcam billed at premium rates
- If someone offers less money - for cash - and then asks for a receipt after the job being completed, "receipt" will be taken to mean "beaten to death with own shoes"
- Any call back described on phone as urgent but which turns out to be trivial will be charged at £300 per hour
 
WaterTight said:
- If attracive females are in residence, they must test showers whilst I observe, irrespective of whether showers have been installed/repaired during that visit
- If a customer wants to watch work in progress they must do so remotely using webcam billed at premium rates
- If someone offers less money - for cash - and then asks for a receipt after the job being completed, "receipt" will be taken to mean "beaten to death with own shoes"
- Any call back described on phone as urgent but which turns out to be trivial will be charged at £300 per hour
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Deffo wierdo.....lots of feelings of inadequacy in there fella
 
If you call saying you think your boiler needs a service because it doesnt work. i will beat you to death with a stick full of poo.
 
Swear filter stops me from saying the correct words. But to be fair I like that one better
 
1.) You shall make provisions to remove all floor coverings, remove any "slotted" screws in floor boards and door hinges.

2.) I will arrive when I arrive. You will greet me with black coffee and fresh toast if before 10.30 am or there after with tea and ginger snaps.

3.) you or an appropriately attractive female of suitable age shall be in attendance with intention of flirting and generally being a distraction.

4.) when I'm finished you and your immediate family shall tell 1000 people each that they should only use me.

5.) each day when I have finished you or you shall make provisions to launder and press all my dust sheets and towels. They shall be warm and dry when I arrive[emoji16]
 
Ermintrude said:
1.) You shall make provisions to remove all floor coverings, remove any "slotted" screws in floor boards and door hinges.
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Furthermore, if items are found to be still collected under a sink, in an airing cupboard or in my way in a loft when I arrive to work, I am liberty to hurl them any which way I please in order that they no longer remain so. I shall squirt bottles of detergents onto the floor until empty, don obstructing clothing for the purposes of prancing hilariously about and upturn boxes of loft-stored keepsakes until they rain down from the hatch. And instead of attempting to put things back as I found them I will instead persuade them clumsily into bin bags and chuck them from the nearest window accompanied by hoots of pleasure.
 
Can I be the only merchant? Pretty please?

1) You are a time-served, GSR engineer. My 19yr old counterhand isnt. If you expect him to know more than you about an product or regulation, I am going to charge you a £200 per hr consultancy fee.

2) Sorry, run that by me again? The cracks running radially from the screw fixing hole suddenly appeared? Without warning? Of course you didnt over-tighten the screw! Silly me for even thinking such a thing. I'm still charging you though...

3) And the scratches and cracks are manufacturing faults? I saw you loading the stuff in the van. Because of all your sh1te, it wouldn't fit without removing all the packaging, which you put in my skip. (No charge, its my pleasure. Its not as if I pay to have them emptied!Oh hang on, yes I do. I'll send you an invoice then) Then you put the unwrapped product on top of all your sharp toolboxes, and accelerated down the road - over the speed bumps and potholes. So thats my problem is it, now its scratched or broken? And the consequential losses as well you say? Well, that sounds very fair. Let me just catch my breath, so that I CAN LAUGH IN YOUR FACE!
 
Ray Stafford said:
Can I be the only merchant? Pretty please?

1) You are a time-served, GSR engineer. My 19yr old counterhand isnt. If you expect him to know more than you about an product or regulation, I am going to charge you a £200 per hr consultancy fee.

2) Sorry, run that by me again? The cracks running radially from the screw fixing hole suddenly appeared? Without warning? Of course you didnt over-tighten the screw! Silly me for even thinking such a thing. I'm still charging you though...

3) And the scratches and cracks are manufacturing faults? I saw you loading the stuff in the van. Because of all your sh1te, it wouldn't fit without removing all the packaging, which you put in my skip. (No charge, its my pleasure. Its not as if I pay to have them emptied!Oh hang on, yes I do. I'll send you an invoice then) Then you put the unwrapped product on top of all your sharp toolboxes, and accelerated down the road - over the speed bumps and potholes. So thats my problem is it, now its scratched or broken? And the consequential losses as well you say? Well, that sounds very fair. Let me just catch my breath, so that I CAN LAUGH IN YOUR FACE!
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Where do we stand on cylinders with no coils?
 
Ray you clearly have some lairy customers. Surely nobody on this forum would try to pull any of those tricks.
 
Only plumber in the town........i wish. I live in a village and there are 4 of us on the one street of 24 houses. One is good at what he does, another has turned into a tofo and the other is a 6 week wonder who talks some amount of pysh and then there is me.....the invisible man lol
 
Ray what is your take on used / returned spares ? Just for when you open you spares counter- being the only merchant you will have to also you will you be doing a screwfix. Trade only and the mugs?

My name isDaffyd Thomas and I'm the only GSR in the village
 
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