M
Masood
Mother Nature at her very best...
Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at Plumbers Forums
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M
Masood
M
Masood
M
Masood
K
kay-jay
- Messages
- 5,481
An old boy is fitted with hearing aids that give him 100%hearing doc says come back in a month for a final check ...he pops back a month later and the doc asks how he's getting on with the new kit...great he says ...doc says I bet the family are all glad you can join in with the conversation ...no he says I just sat there and didn't tell em...and I've had to change my will three times so far !! regards Turnpin:wheelchair:
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- 965
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the **** out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink!
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink!
B
Barry98
Who designed the Human Body?
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
B
Barry98
Who designed the Human Body?
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
Three engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and joints is ingenious.
"No," the third student said "You’re both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste pipe through a recreation area?"
J
julesverne
The inventor of predictive text has just died.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
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- 5,481
A man is walking down the road when he hears a voice shout stop ..he stops and a brick falls two steps in front of him ..he looks round but cannot see anyone he continues on his way when he is about to cross the road he hears stop and a car screams around the corner and would have hit him if he had not heeded the warning...where are you ...who are you he sees nothing but a voice calls out I am your guardian angel do not fear I have always been here to protect and look after you......to which he replied where the fcuk were you when I got married.....regards Turnpin:smile5:
R
Rickster123
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the ****ing manager of this pig****e middle class **** hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of ****e, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....****er.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just unloaded in your daughter's eye, and now the ****’s blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'Err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful melody which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any tunes with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ring piece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but your titles are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your tunes or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a stunning blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging out of your
trousers, and come is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I ****ing wrote it !!!'
****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the ****ing manager of this pig****e middle class **** hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of ****e, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....****er.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just unloaded in your daughter's eye, and now the ****’s blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'Err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful melody which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any tunes with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ring piece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but your titles are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your tunes or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a stunning blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging out of your
trousers, and come is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I ****ing wrote it !!!'
R
Rickster123
I just got a job playing the triangle in a Jamaican reggae band.
I just stand and the back and ting.
I just stand and the back and ting.
R
Rickster123
I had to go to the doctors to get a prostate examination. The doctor leaned me over the couch, put his gloved finger in the appropriate place, then told me that the procedure can sometimes cause an erection. I told him quite firmly that I didn't have one.
Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, ''No, but I have''
Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, ''No, but I have''
M
Masood
An English Cat and a French cat were always trying to beat each other.
The English cat was called 'One two three', and the French cat was called 'Un deux trois'
So they decided to have a swimming race across the channel.
Inevitably, the English cat won because Un deux trois cat sank...
The English cat was called 'One two three', and the French cat was called 'Un deux trois'
So they decided to have a swimming race across the channel.
Inevitably, the English cat won because Un deux trois cat sank...
M
Masood
Why do French people only eat one egg at a time?
Because one egg is un oeuf...
Because one egg is un oeuf...
B
Barry98
Get ya coat
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