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This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
 
He's got a point...

122_04302014_21-24.jpg


So has he...

116_04292014_18-45.png
 
i went out last night and got completely bladdered woke up this morning next to some bird who was farting and snoring for england
thats lucky i thought ive made it home
 
I came home from work early to find my wife without any clothes on.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Erm... I thought we could have a bit of fun," she replied. "Let's play naked hide and seek."
"You're on!" I said, stripping as I ran upstairs. "I'll hide first!"
I went into our bedroom and opened the wardrobe door. My mate Dave was sat there in the nude.
"I'm really sorry, mate," he said.
"Don't worry," I giggled. "I'll hide under the bed!"
 
[video]https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=772326369484709&fref=nf[/video]
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
 
Guy breaks down in the middle of nowhere walks miles through the rain ...arrives at a farm and asks to use phone to call breakdown company ..grumpy old farmer says phones out so he will have to share bed with him and beautiful young wife ..she wakes him in the middle of the night demanding he make love to her ...but he says worried he will wake the old man she said pluck a hair out of his asre and if he dos'ent move he 's fast asleep ....this is repeated three times more until the early hours of the morning .....upon calling the breakdown company he turns to thank the old farmer for his hospitality when the old boy takes him outside and says I dont mind if you make love to my young wife as I struggle these days but ffs dont use my asre as a scoreboard....regards Turnpin:smile5:
 
You may have seen this before but just in case:
 

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Customer fitted tank in loft himself and asked me to fix his leak.
 

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I think this ideal way of staying safe.
SAFE AT HOME AT LAST
I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered
from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front
garden, one at each corner
and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, ASIO, ASIS and the other
intelligence services are all watching my house
24/7.
I've never felt safer.



My wife asked me what I was doing on
the computer last night
I explained to her I was looking for
cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then
she got all excited, quickly undressed and
we had the most amazing night ever......
Which is odd because she's never shown
.
.
.
an interest in darts before!
 
A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
 
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