a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[IDCHAPPY]

I'm here to investigate the gas leak love:

 

[julesverne]

I started my job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the the numbers i farted loudly.

my boss immediately came and said to me "dont do that again"

"sorry" i said "it must be nerves"

" fair enough" he replied " but there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mother if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mother, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mother says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mother replies, "OK, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

 

[Masood]

I particularly like nos. 4 and 9...

 

[tamz]

3, 7 and starting to think 10 lol

 

[CES]

Good news, docs reckon my knees are ok and I'm fit enough to return to work. He showed me my xray.

 

[Dotty]

Feck.... Why did I like that?

 

[kay-jay]

Good news, docs reckon my knees are ok and I'm fit enough to return to work. He showed me my xray.View attachment 20699

Whats wrong conner? Is it a bit cold up there??[emoji3] [emoji3]

 

[bassmonster]

You sure that's not someone elses dongle?

 

[Dotty]

Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?

 

[chris watkins]

Do you think that when a Jehovah witness dies and gets to heaven, that God hides behind the gates and pretends he's not in?

They have to find & get past Pete first, he's on the inside tucked behind the lefthand gate. God made a dash for it upstair as soon as he saw them coming down the path. LOL

I don't know why but that picture has me cracking up !!!:wings:
Somebody must love em.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I ****ing didn't!".

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[turnpin]

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?...........well endowed of course....lol regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[turnpin]

Youngest son told me this he saw it on f/b ..
two young boys decide they will swear when Mum gets the breakfast ready.....What do you want for your breakfast Tommy
Cornflakes b**ch....slap the Mother strikes him across the face knocking him off his chair to the floor where he sits sobbing whilst rubbing his face......and what do you want she asks the other boy .......well I ******* dont want the cornflakes he replied!......regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[julesverne]

........

 

[turnpin]

A guy bumps into his pal in the bar....how's the new job in supermarket going he ask's..........got fired after two day's ....what happened he ask's....got caught putting me c@ck in the bacon slicer when I thought no one was looking.........Wow what did they do with the bacon slicer......oh they sacked her as well.....regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[stevetheplumber]

one of my first saturday jobs was in a cooked meat shop the sign above the bacon slicer read
boys who sit on the bacon slicer get a little behind in their orders

 

[julesverne]

Feeling shocked, my dad just phoned me at work to say he'd got sacked from his job on highways maintenance. But when i got home and thought about it the signs were all there.

 

[Rickster123]

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'

 

[Rickster123]

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.


"Morning!" he said.


The other man replies, "No, just having a ****"

 

[Rickster123]

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.


I won!


No one's a match for me and my kettle.

 

[Rickster123]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.


I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

 

[Rickster123]

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"


"No!", replied the nurse


"Oh go on!", said the man


"No!", replied the nurse again


"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"


"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be w4nking you off!"

 

[Dotty]

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. he removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "on the road again . . . just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. the music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the mortician over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" The student told the mortician as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again ... "

"So what?" The mortician replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" Asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" Replied the mortician, "Any arsehole can sing country music....."