a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[julesverne]

One for the ladies.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!


Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 21000800 2100 FREE for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Mumbles please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm! So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f-----g stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

 

[mike-c]

 

[Masood]

Seems about right to me...

 

[townfanjon]

Families of the girls that fled to Syria have appealed for their return, in a press statement, they announced that since they left they have been in despair, losing out on 60 Quid a week tax credits and uncle aziz hasn't had a @hag for a few weeks .......

 

[Masood]

This made me larf!

 

[bassmonster]

 

[Dotty]

Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor,
"I'm constipated." he says.
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his arse with a baseball bat.
A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags...."

 

[newcastle phill]

All this talk lately of falling off ladders.
Well it happened to me. Silly moment of over reaching madness.
Has to have a plate in the knee which will stay there.

 

[kay-jay]

All this talk lately of falling off ladders.
Well it happened to me. Silly moment of over reaching madness.
Has to have a plate in the knee which will stay there.

A bit chilly in the x-ray room was it?? [emoji38]

 

[Masood]

All this talk lately of falling off ladders.
Well it happened to me. Silly moment of over reaching madness.
Has to have a plate in the knee which will stay there.

You've only got 3" legs?

 

[Dotty]

I'm trying to give up on my addiction to ******.

But it gets harder every day.

 

[Neil K]

I'm trying to give up on my addiction to ******.

But it gets harder every day.

Stops me rollin outta the bed.....

 

[bassmonster]

All this talk lately of falling off ladders.
Well it happened to me. Silly moment of over reaching madness.
Has to have a plate in the knee which will stay there.

I'd hate to be you with morning wood when you're laying on your back.... [emoji13]

 

[kay-jay]

who let the dogs out???


she did!

 

[Masood]

who let the dogs out???


she did!

View attachment 21126

Mind bleach!!! That is ghastly. I'm off to scrub my eyeballs with wire wool...

 

[Paulplumb]

Saw this whilst walking the dogs. We had a lucky escape

 

[Ray Stafford]

---

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sXXt inside!"

 

[Ray Stafford]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

>>>>Ed Milliband was visiting
a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.
>>>>The teacher asked Mr Milliband
if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
>>>>
>>>>So
the illustrious leader of the Labour Party asked the class for an
example of a 'Tragedy'
>>>>
>>>>A little boy stood up and oed: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
>>>>'Incorrect,' said
Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'
>>>>A little girl raised her
hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff,
killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
>>>>'I'm afraid not',
explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great
loss'.
>>>>The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband
searched the room.
>>>>
>>>>'Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?'
>>>>Finally, at the back of the room, little
Johnny raised his hand and said:
>>>>’If a plane carrying you and Mr
Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'
>>>>'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?'
>>>>
>>>>'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a
tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably
wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'

 

[mountainman]

View attachment 21164

I preferred Fred Dibnah's method.

 

[Ray Stafford]

 

[tamz]

Mind bleach!!! That is ghastly. I'm off to scrub my eyeballs with wire wool...

One day you might find this to be attractive Mas. Don't think about it it will gradually sneak up on you :lol:

 

[Ray Stafford]

 

[tamz]

>>>>Ed Milliband was visiting
a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.
>>>>The teacher asked Mr Milliband
if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
>>>>
>>>>So
the illustrious leader of the Labour Party asked the class for an
example of a 'Tragedy'
>>>>
>>>>A little boy stood up and oed: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
>>>>'Incorrect,' said
Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'
>>>>A little girl raised her
hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff,
killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
>>>>'I'm afraid not',
explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great
loss'.
>>>>The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband
searched the room.
>>>>
>>>>'Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?'
>>>>Finally, at the back of the room, little
Johnny raised his hand and said:
>>>>’If a plane carrying you and Mr
Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'
>>>>'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?'
>>>>
>>>>'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a
tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably
wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'

So the rout isn't just a Scots thing :smile: