a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I am hosting a fundraiser for people with ejaculation problems next week. Don't worry if you can't come.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

That Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day is he?

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Just seen an advert in the local paper ' 50" LCD TV, volume stuck on full, £15'. I thought I cant turn that down!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Told ar lass I was feeling a bit frisky the other day so she started rubbing my knob with her key ring.......................to be honest I felt she was just fobbing me off!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Went to the doctors the other day and he told me i had chlamidya, gonnhorhea and onomatopoeia. I asked him "What the hell is onomatopoeia?" He said "Its exactly what it sounds like"

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Went to a fancy dress party at the weekend dressed as a loaf of bread...........The birds were all over me!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Ar lass has been missing a week now. The Police have told me to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My racing snail wasn't winning races anymore so i took his shell off thinking it would reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic............. hasn't worked though, if anything it's made him more sluggish

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I hate double standards. Like if a girl goes out and sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "****".
Yet if a guy does it...he's considered a "homosexual".

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The kids have been going on and on at me for ages about going to Alton Towers, so I thought today was as good a day as any..... They were gutted when I got home!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach, a human hair can hold 3kg, the length of a ***** is three times the length of the thumb, the femur is as hard as concrete, a woman's heart beats faster then a man's, women blink twice as much as men, we use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire sentence..... the mans still lookin at his thumb.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My missus being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak.

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I see the price of Oxo cubes and Bovril has shot up again.
The stock market's gone crazy!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I'm up in court next week charged with hitting an african woman in B & Q. Not entirely my fault, me Dad asked me to find a black an decker

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Men have two emotions: Hungry & *****. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer,Then, on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. We might be England, but by heck are we funny!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

When David Beckham scores a goal, I drink 8 pints of Becks, when Paul Scholes scores I drink 8 pints of Skol, when Tommy Miller scores I drink 8 pints of Miller....... thank CHRIST David Seaman played in goal!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

what's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? one is a marsupial and the other is a geordie trapped in a lift

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I just found out why wedding dresses are white..... you want the dishwasher to match your other appliances don't you?!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

‎85% of scousers enjoy sex in the shower.........the other 15% haven't been to prison yet

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I can't wait to see ar lasses face light up on her birthday tomorrow mornin.................gettin her a torch

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Someone has just dumped a load of Lego on me front lawn....... don't know wot to make of it!

 

[leelister6]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

British Rail are at it again, the sign said not to stand too close to the edge of the platform or I might get sucked off.............4 hours I wasted at Doncaster station yesterday!