a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[on31ll]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day..'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that

 

[on31ll]

A withered old hag finds a young man about to jump off a bridge.
"Tell me young man - what in the world is so terrible that you want to end it all?"
"Well," says the young man, "I've just been fired from my job, my girlfriend has left me and I'm about to be evicted from my flat."
"That's terrible," says the old hag, "What would you do if I told you I was a powerful witch, and I could get your job and your girlfriend back, and stop you being evicted."
"That would be amazing," said the young man, "can you do it?"
"Yes - but at a price!" says the old hag.
"What do I have to do?" asks the young man.
"Come home and have sex with me all night long - and if you can make me ****** at least 5 times I'll grant your wish." the old hag replies.
The young man looks at the old hag, ugly fat and wrinkled as she is, and reluctantly says "well if it'll get my life back to how it was it'll be worth it."
So they go back to the old hags house, and he spends all night pleasuring the woman.
After several hours, the old woman finally has her fifth ****** - and immediately the young man gets up and starts to get dressed.
"Tell me, young man, how old are you?" says the hag.
"I'll be 29 in a couple of months time." he replies.

"29 hey? A bit old to believe in witches aren't you?"​

 

[on31ll]

Beware of double speak in job descriptions

"Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you properly, offer encouragement, or thanks.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect​

 

[on31ll]

Presbyterian&nb sp;:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER :
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY :
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

 

[on31ll]

I've been suspended from school for another 3 days, When my science teacher asked me what my favourite element was, karate chopping her and saying "element of surprise" was wrong!.

 

[on31ll]

Police marksmen were positioned to give cover to officers and Bailiffs on the ground during the Dale Farm evictions.
They were allowed 3 shots....between them..... they won a Goldfish, a cuddly toy and a large inflatable hammer

 

[on31ll]

Gaddafi Dead? I should have bet on this... It was a dead Sirte

 

[on31ll]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,


'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?


'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figureit out.'

So I wrote down:


ID10T


I used to like Eric,

the little *******.

 

[on31ll]

Ten priests die and go to heaven, as they reach the Pearly gates St. Peter says to them:
"If any of you are paedophiles, go straight to hell"
9 of the priests turn and start walking away when St. Peter shouts "And take the deaf **** with you!!"

 

[on31ll]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[on31ll]

A guy charged into a bank today wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun.

He made people lie down while he stuffed money into his bag.

As he tried to leave one brave guy ran at him, failed to overpower him,

But did pull his balaclava off. The robber shot him.

He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' most people looked down
at the floor but one guy looked at him, so the robber shot him as well.

He then shouted 'did anyone else see my face' and after a short silence

A voice was heard from a far corner 'I think my missus got a glimpse....

 

[on31ll]

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?




Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?




Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?




Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?




Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?




Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?




Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?




Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?




Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?




What is the speed of darkness?




Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?




If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?




If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?




Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?




Do you cry under water?




How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?




Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

[on31ll]

Did you ever stop and wonder.....




Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze


these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"




Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."




Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?




Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?




Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't


point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?




Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?




Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!




Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??




If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)




If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?




If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?




Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?




Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . .




Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?




Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at


you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?




Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

[on31ll]

A Mexican, an Arab,
​

and a Yorkshire Lass are

in the same bar.​

When the Mexican​

finishes his beer,​

he throws his glass​

in the air, pulls
out​

his pistol, and
shoots​

the glass
to pieces.​

He says, 'In Mexico,​

our glasses are so​

cheap we don't need​

to drink with the
same one twice.'​

The Arab, obviously​

impressed by this,​

drinks non-alcohol beer​

(cuz he's a Muslim!),​

throws it into the​

air, pulls out his​

AK-47, and shoots​

the glass to pieces.​

He says, 'In the​

Arab World, we have​

so much sand to make​

glasses that we don't​

need to drink with​

the same one twice either.'​

The Yorkshire Lass,​

cool as a cucumber,​

picks up her beer,​

downs it in one gulp,​

throws the glass into​

the air, whips out her​

shotgun, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab.​

Catching her glass,



setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill,​

she says,
'In Yorkshire,​

we have so many​

illegal immigrants that​

we don't have to



drink with the same ones twice.'​

>

God Bless Yorkshire !!​

 

[on31ll]

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
8:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
I continue to make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they made condescending remarks about what a 'good little hunter' I am. *******s.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. ...For now.

 

[on31ll]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "@#$%& Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

[on31ll]

Like all people who are involved in flying vehicles through the sky, Father Christmas has to have a pilot's license. That means regular visits by examiners from the Civil Aviation Authority.
Well, shortly before the Christmas in question, an examiner turned up from the CAA to test Father Christmas' skills as a pilot and check out his sledge.
Father Christmas had made sure his paperwork was in order, given his sledge a good cleaning and made sure the reindeer were in good shape and was quite confident that he would pass the examination okay, as he always had before.
The examiner looked through all the paperwork and had no problems with that. He walked slowly around the sledge, kicking the runners as he went along. He checked the harnesses, checked the reindeer's feet, did some power/weight ratio calculations and generally gave the impression that he was happy with everything.
Then came the pilot evaluation. Father Christmas climbed into the sledge, fastened his seat harness, checked the gauge panel and said a few encouraging words to the reindeer. Then the examiner climbed onboard and Father Christmas was astonished to see that he was carrying a shotgun.
"What are you going to do with that?" said Father Christmas, with more than a little concern.

"I shouldn't tell you this, but we have to see how you handle this craft when you lose an engine on take-off."​

 

[on31ll]

 

[on31ll]

Made me smile

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible.
My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.
Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:

- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?


- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.

It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.
Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fecking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to ***.
In the end, I was so pished off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about feck knows what!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

CLAIM, CLAIM

Were you abused by a celebrity in the seventies or eighties ?

Did Jim fix it for you ?

Were you one of Rolf's two little boys ?

Did you get serviced in Kevin Webster's Garage ?

Did you play in It's A Knockout ?

REMEMBER - Where there's a stain there's a claim !!

Simply text MYARSEISSTILLSORE ... to Max Clifford 07716281079 to start your fraudulent claim !!!

Put some Glitter back in your life !

 

[CES]

.....

 

[Plum Bob 66]

Shagged a Chinese girl in the lift today....I was ****ing Wong on so many levels.