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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

  • Thread starter Thread starter Barry98
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I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back on my behaviour, I really should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day.
 
My gay neighbour Pete has recently been taking hormone tablets to make him more feminine.

"How's it all going?" I asked him this morning, on his way to work.

"No difference yet, John," he replied, as he reversed into my car and drove off.
 
I saw my mate walking down the street hand in hand with some fat girl this afternoon.

I asked him, "Is she your girlfriend?"

Smiling, he said, "What gave it away?"

I replied, "A zoo, by the looks of it."
 
The technical term for a man that hates women is a misogynist.

A woman that hates men, on the other hand, is simply called a wife.
 
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law* said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said
 
Bloody hell! Just seen a coachload of dyslexic south africans laying wreaths outside the nissan main dealers!
 
Tom Daley has said it's important to abstain from sex before a major diving competition.

As a gaping arse would whistle on the way down!
 
I saw 4 man utd fans playing football with a cat the other day
I was about to phone the RSPCA but then the cat went 1 nil up
 
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