a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Howsie]

Bill gates has announced he is releasing free copies of Microsoft office to all female parents around the world. Word to your mother

 

[Barry98]

http://www.davegranlund.com/cartoons/wp-content/uploads/arc359.jpg

 

[stevetheplumber]

santas ***ming
https://www.************/photo.php?....150517641664221.25362.100001179592849&type=1

 

[turnpin]

A young lad dressed up as a western sheriff complete with star badge stetson and a pistol and holster went up to the ice cream van that stopped in his street can I have a 99 he said to the large ladie dispensing the ice creams ....how about I give you some crushed nuts she said to him ....how about I shoot your fat T**s off he replied.......regards Turnpin:devilish:

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

[video=youtube;bqbcYbq13Ow]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqbcYbq13Ow[/video]banned ads

 

[turnpin]

Love the Ipod shuffle pmsl...regards Turnpin

 

[Masood]

santas ***ming
https://www.************/photo.php?....150517641664221.25362.100001179592849&type=1

Thank you. I'm just off to pour bleach into my eyes.

 

[Dotty]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Dotty]

We stood face to face, gazing into each others eyes.

Then she said the three little words that changed my life forever

"That's him, officer"

 

[Dotty]

 

[kay-jay]

View attachment 16287

 

[Dotty]

[video=youtube;QBml1XZDg3w]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBml1XZDg3w[/video]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A teacher asks her class;

"If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot. Except of course for the one that is laying on the ground, dead,
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then little Tony says, "I have a question for you.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which little Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking!"

 

[PlumbBobBob]

A Chav Nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Wot yoo lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah! I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'
Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Beflehem on that.
They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?
'It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'
Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, mate. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

 

[TomLane]

 

[lame plumber]

Sickipedia Search Results - knicker

 

[PlumbBobBob]

i wonder who this is?

 

[Dotty]

i wonder who this is?

View attachment 16382

Et tu Brute?

 

[tamz]

Hail Creaser :lol:

 

[Howsie]

Ho ho ho

 

[TomLane]

Not sure if this has been posted before, apologies if so!

http://youtu.be/lqxa03Abo3U

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Happy Christmas Everyone..................

Santa Claus: An Engineers Perspective

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accellerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

 

[Masood]

 

[TomLane]