Quick clean joke 4 u.!!!

[Dotty]

Ai Thenk Yew!

 

[PlumbBobBob]

brilliant tommy cooper was one of my favorites

 

[easyt]

[video=youtube;Vz8AuKmItwM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz8AuKmItwM&feature=channel[/video]

 

[Paulplumb]

I am not saying Coleen Rooney is thick but when she heard Wayne had paid 1200 quid for an escourt she asked him if it was taxed and MOT'd

 

[easyt]

like it

 

[Puddle]

Paddy and Mick were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.



Mick said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery…'



“What's dat den?”asks Paddy.


“Send me lawn away to be cut”…

 

[tamz]

The wife has been missing for over a week now and tonight i received a call from the police saying i'd better prepare myself for the worst.

I'll be busy tonight cleaning the house and best get myself down to the charity shop first thing in the morning and get all her stuff back.

 

[spanner]

A blokes in hospital with two badly burnt ears,when the nurse asks what happened?
he said, "the telephone rang and I accidently picked up the iron..!"
The nurse said, so what ever happened to the other ear then..? He said
"It rang again"...!!!!!!!!

 

[Puddle]

This one is so serious, that I thought it should be brought to your attention.



If you agree with this please send to the powers that be. Hopefully we can stop it.


Please help ban fox hunting in Ireland ~ THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!
















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[tamz]

Good one

 

[Puddle]

​

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed​

in the hospital,​

wearing an oxygen mask over his​

mouth and nose,​

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure​

A young student nurse appears to give him a​

partial sponge bath.​

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my​

testicles black?'​

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies​

'I don't know,Sir.​

I'm only here to wash​

your upper body..'​

He struggles to ask again,​

'Nurse, are my​

testiclesblack?'​

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,​

she overcomes her​

embarrassment and sheepishly​

pulls back the covers.​

She raises his gown, holds his​

***** in one hand and his​

testicles in the other,​

lifting and moving them​

around and around gently.​

Then, she takes a close look and says,​

 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong​

with them, Sir !!'​

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,​

smiles at her and​

says very slowly,​

'Thank you very much. That was​

wonderful, but listen​

very, very closely......​

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'​

 

[REDSAW]

hmm, i blame those pikies always out for an easy meal.
nice remmington .22 carbine with 50mm optical though,

 

[Puddle]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Hannah.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Deena. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you ?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and che cked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive

 

[tamz]

Pat and Mick..............
Tam and Jock were working on a site one day when Tam said, "i fancy a day on the sick. I'm gonna pretend i'm off my head" and jumped up and swung upside down from the rafters shouting "i'm a light bulb, i'm a light bulb."
The foreman on seeing him said "Tam what the blazes are you doing? Get down from there and go see a doctor"
As Tam is leaving Jock packs up his stuff and starts walking off too.
The foreman said "And where do you think you are going?"
Jock replies "I can't work in the dark can i"



It is better with the swearing

 

[cooper.s]

An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor.
He turns up 2days later with an empty jar.
The nurse asks "Why Is there no sperm sample"
He replies, "Im sorry, I tried with my right hand, then with my left, then my wide tried with both hands, then her mouth first with her teeth in, then with them out and then we got Ethel from next door to try... but it was no good we just cant get the bloddy jar open!

 

[REDSAW]

paddy talking to mick on a building site,
mick i am fed up and want the week of work,
mick says how are you going to acheive that then paddy theres nowt wrong with you?.
paddy tells mick he is going to jump around in front of the forman with his hands in the air pretending i am a light bulb, then he will send me home thinking i have had a nervous break down.
this he does, surely enough the forman tells him to take the rest of the week of to recover.
watching paddy leave the site the forman turns to see mick putting on his jacket and collecting his tools.
where the hell do you think your going then the forman asks?

mick replies, you dont expect me to work in the dark do you?.

 

[tonto33]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

 

[tonto33]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. they parked they truck at the end of the alley and worked there way to the other en. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen watched the men as they checked her meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his young coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the last house was huffin and puffin right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong?
Gaspin for breath, she replied, "when i see two gas men running as you two were, i figured i'd better run to!"

 

[dontknowitall]

Hehe

Reminds me of the story of two camera men filming lions from a camouflaged tent. One lion spies them and starts approaching the tent. One chap starts putting his trainers on. Other chap says "You'll never out run a lion". First chap replies, "I know. But as long as I can out run you ..."

 

[tamz]

Couple sat watching telly one night and hubby as usual is flicking through the channels.
Golf...****...golf...****...golf...****...golf.
Wife says "for gods sake, will you just leave it on the ****, you already know how to play bloody golf"

 

[tamz]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[turnpin]

love it just love it .....regards turnpin

I laughed so much the tears ran down my leg

 

[tonto33]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You s**g her again."

 

[tonto33]

An plumber was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said,

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,

"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The plumber took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out,

"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. "

Again the plumber took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,

"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The plumber said, "Look, I'm an plumber. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[dontknowitall]

True story I heard today (and exact words) ...

Person to widow: "What did your husband die of?"
Widow: "Oh, nothing serious".