a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Kyle87]

 

[Kyle87]

 

[julesverne]

I was in bed with the missus when she pipes up. Your dick looks like a tac. Is that so i said , how come your sisters breath still fecking stinks then.

 

[Masood]

Oh dear god, I need mind bleach!

 

[CES]

Oh dear god, I need mind bleach!

No..... Just no....

 

[Ermintrude]

Is it a bidet too? What do u pull to flush?

 

[bassmonster]

Is it a bidet too? What do u pull to flush?

It's a bit obvious isn't it? You pull his nose....

 

[SimonG]

Poke him in the left eye for half flush and right eye for a full flush.

 

[TomLane]

Poke him in the left eye for half flush and right eye for a full flush.

Poke him with what though?!?

 

[SimonG]

Poke him with what though?!?

After I wrote it I thought to myself I should have expanded on it.

 

[CES]

This is what a bidets for isn't it?...

 

[Resolute]

This is what a bidets for isn't it?...

Not sure I'd wanna drink one of those!

 

[spanner]

May the 4th be with you all and have a Monday one..! They're looking well chilled beers in BRRRRR..

 

[SimonG]

May the 4th be with you all and have a Monday one..! They're looking well chilled beers in BRRRRR..

My mates got the text this morning. Mostly ignored, but I did get a couple of feck offs

 

[spanner]

My mates got the text this morning. Mostly ignored, but I did get a couple of feck offs

Well eres one.. ! Elom8. And may the 4th be with you too.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Greater Manchester
recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on
the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah".
Not a single one could shout "Lorry."

 

[Dotty]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
...The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"
she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150

 

[Masood]

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Greater Manchester
recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on
the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah".
Not a single one could shout "Lorry."

Duly stolen!

 

[PlumbBobBob]

Al Quaida caught 3 Soldiers in the desert, A guardsman a paratrooper & a Royal Engineer. They lined the 3 men up in front of a mine field & said, "whoever can get through the minefield will be set free"
The guardsman immediately asked for a bayonet & started to dig & crawl.....20 metres later BOOM the guardsman was blown up.
The paratrooper asked for a long stick & was given a broom handle so he started to probe & move through the mine field.....50 metres later & BOOM the paratrooper was blown up.
The Royal Engineer asked for 1 Mattress, 1 Pig & 2 rolls of gaffa Tape.
The Engineer slashed open the mattress. took out the springs & gaffa taped them to the legs of the Pig, jumped on the back of the Pig & bounced his away across the entire mine field & escaped.
The Al Quaida guys chased the Engineer & caught up to him, the Engineer screamed "you said if I made it I could go free..." They replied, "you are free, we just need to know how you did it." The Engineer looked at them & said, "I call it my four sprung pork technique..."

 

[Masood]

Some absolute belters here:

12 Mistranslated Menus | The Poke

I particularly fancy "Onion explodes the lamb" and some "punch violent potatoes". Although little bitches from the Algarve could be fun...

 

[bassmonster]

 

[bassmonster]

Anyone else relate to this? Lol

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

i know that at first glance it looks like a bloody big glass, but its actually a photo of a young croppie drinking from a half pint glass. cheers ....:yesnod:

 

[Dotty]

i know that at first glance it looks like a bloody big glass, but its actually a photo of a young croppie drinking from a half pint glass. cheers ....:yesnod:

Ahhhhhhh........ Those were the days!