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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

  • Thread starter Thread starter Barry98
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This polish guy goes to the top of our road every night and starts singing I want to know what love is

bloody foreigner
 
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained:

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to."
 
In the same vein - shameless stolen from another site.

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark ... and I didn't land."
 
I was driving to work this morning when the police pulled me over and asked me what have you got in your boot ?

i replied a sock and 5 toes
 
I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.
She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"
l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'The Sledge.'"
She giggled and said, "Is that because you're a smooth ride?"
l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by dogs!!"
 
Anne Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their fannies, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour minge drinking.......
 
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
 
Job interviews are so silly, they always ask the same mundane questions.

Like "Why are you naked?"
 
Love that warm cosy feeling when you put clothes on straight out of the tumble dryer..

This woman in the laundrette is giving me some strange looks though..






Maybe its her dress....
 
A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He gets in bed next to his wife who,s reading. This is the pig I sleep with when you have an headache. The wife says I'll think you'll find that is a sheep. Man says I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep
 
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Went into a motorway service station picked up a can of cola a mars bar and a packet of cheese and onion....told the cashier only have a fifty pound note....she replied dont worry put the mars back back and we'll call it quits:wazzzup:
 
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