a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Auntie Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Auntie Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Auntie Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Auntie Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Auntie Jane....
." At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for tea time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight"
At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Auntie Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Auntie Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Auntie Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Auntie Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away at sea in the Navy.."
Mummy fainted...







THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

 

[Masood]

Croppie!

 

[Masood]

 

[Ermintrude]

Eat me rocket man I'm the copper jet pack man

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

And every year Ed would say,

Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter

Norma always replied,

I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

Norma, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance

To this, Norma replied,

Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!

Ed replied, Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Norma fell out,

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

 

[mountainman]

As the cell door slams behind Rolf Harris, the lights instantly go out and he collapses to the floor, with his head in his hands, sobbing. Then, in the pitch black, he hears a rich Jamaican baritone voice which starts to sing "do you think I can leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two?".

 

[kay-jay]

As the cell door slams behind Rolf Harris, the lights instantly go out and he collapses to the floor, with his head in his hands, sobbing. Then, in the pitch black, he hears a rich Jamaican baritone voice which starts to sing "do you think I can leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two?".

if only....

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

can you see what it is yet?

 

[CES]

Next weeks "Animal Hospital" where Rolf explains how to handle a young beaver has been cancelled.

 

[CES]

Subject: Rejection Letter


Dear Sir


On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for the application you have provided for your wife to appear on our forthcoming 'Reality Show' and also for the charming photograph you enclosed with the application letter.


Whilst agreeing that she would no doubt make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would take this opportunity to advise you that the correct title of the new series is actually "Fact Hunt".


Kind regards


Channel 4

 

[turnpin]

Fella sticks his head into the barber shop how long till I can get a haircut ...bout two hours.. few days later pops back ...how long till you can cut my hair.. be at least an hour and half today following week he calls by again how long today at least an hour...and again he leaves ..barber turns to the trainee and says follow him.....ten minutes later he returns ...well says the barber where did he go....round your house came the reply...regards Turnpin

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

born survivor

 

[Dotty]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that go all the way up to her backside came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[Dotty]

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your ****** so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss the football.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. £100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for.
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you **********:
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:
* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, CONGRATULATIONS! You are a fully fledged, red blooded, hairy arsed Plumber!

 

[julesverne]

What a a wonderful gesture!

World Cup refund

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled
to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to
complete the transaction.

 

[julesverne]

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.


That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.


Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.’
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour.


But it would not budge.


'Harder' yelled Camilla.


'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'


'Come on give it all you've got' she cried.


Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh God that feels so good.'


In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,

'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'


Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'


At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:


'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

 

[turnpin]

Guy holds up a bank whilst demanding the money from the teller his mask slips .....he pulls it back up and says the the first guy in the queue did you see my face...he replies I did I cannot lie I am a priest ...bang he shoots him ......he then turns to the next guy ....did you see my face I cannot lie I am a barrister...bang he shoots him as well......he then turns to a man with a flat cap and a whippet ...did you see my face nay lad I saw nowt.......................but the wife here saw everything..regards Turnpin

 

[julesverne]

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: - 'A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side, with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side, facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?'

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their Answers.
The first from Canada, says "My answer is there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.

It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor."

The Australian got the job...!!!!!!!!

 

[Ermintrude]

 

[turnpin]

A man go's into a chemist and said to the young lady behind the counter with a big grin ...box of condoms please ..certainly sir small medium or large replied the young lady...large of course he said sarcasticly..........he left the shop with a box of 25000...lol regards Turnpin

 

[CES]

Jim and Edna are mental patients, one day Jim jumps into the pool and stays on the bottom! Edna dives in and saves him.
The director calls Edna into his office and says, ” Edna, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. The good news is were releasing you as you are obviously sane enough saving someone’s life. But unfortunately Jim hanged himself in the bathroom .”
” No no no ! ” said Edna, ” That’s were I put him to dry !

 

[CES]

3 Office Girls in a lift notice a stain on the wall.
The Yorkshire lass says, ‘That looks like spunk!’
The Cockney girl sniffs it & says, ‘Smells like spunk too!’
The Scouse chick licks it & says, ‘Well, it’s nobody from our Office!’

 

[turnpin]

A man is visiting a relative at the local hospital...during his visit he notices the man in the next bed appears to be driving a car even making the broom broom of the engine as he races through the gear box ..what you doing pal he asks...driving my new sports car....but you don't have a car.....the relative in the next bed said you shouldn't have told him that ..why ...because he gives me a tenner twice a week for cleaning it.......regards Turnpinunk:

 

[kay-jay]

 

[brum]

Theres a transvestite running about Greater Manchester with a wigan address