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that was the first thing i thought of when i heard the news
B
Bunker
Scotsman takes his wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got 2 black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of her hair are missing. The doctor say's 'what has happened to your wife'? Scotsman replies, 'going through the change.' The doctor say's, 'That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change', and Scotsman replied, 'It does when it's in my ****ing coat pocket'.
E
Ermintrude
K
kay-jay
It says tw a t on the other door. Most people spot ***** and thing thats all.
heard a noise whilst sleeping last night, got up checked the doors, windows, had a look outside, shot herindoors 5 times, went back to bed.
L
lame plumber
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
M
Masood
A man in Michigan wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the
yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for North Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there,
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for North Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there,
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
M
Masood
Some absolute belters here!
Lol@ bell end
K
kay-jay
R
Resolute
Buddy Christ!!!
[video=youtube;hkmeoYKYctw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkmeoYKYctw&feature=youtube_gdata_player[/video]
K
Kyle87
I'm gonna get crusified...... But first, let me take a selfie!!
D
Dotty
I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. they asked me how L found her body.......
I said her **** were ok but she had a fat arse.
I said her **** were ok but she had a fat arse.
M
Masood
Better than a Worcester...
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M
Masood
M
Masood
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