a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[stevetheplumber]

Man in bar orders a gin and tonic....
Lady next to him, “What a coincidence, I’ve just ordered that”
Man, “I'm Celebrating.”
Lady, “Me too”
Man, “What a coincidence. Why are you celebrating?”
Lady, “My husband and I have tried for four years for a baby and today I’ve found out I’m pregnant.”
Man, “What a coincidence! I am a farmer and for four years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs, today all are laying eggs.”
Lady, “Wow! How did that happen?
Man, “I used a different cock”
Lady smiled, “What a coincidence.”

 

[stevetheplumber]

.An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

 

[townfanjon]

One i pulled last night

 

[ShaunCorbs]

One i pulled last night View attachment 24167

hope you put it back

 

[spanner]

hope you put it back

OmG that's hoodge..jheez.!

 

[kay-jay]

I just got kicked out of hospital.
Apparently the 'stroke patients here' sign meant something else....

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving, and you should all take heed.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at a pub in town and had a few too many vodies
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough we passed a police road block, but, since it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

[stevetheplumber]

went to a sex shop today to get a blow up doll and the best one they had was the muslim one
Blows its self up

 

[Masood]

went to a sex shop today to get a blow up doll and the best one they had was the muslim one
Blows its self up

PMSL! Stealing that one...

 

[turnpin]

Mrs told me this one was on FB....
A ninety year old chap went to the chemist and asked for ******
The assistant returned with a strip
The old boy asks him can you cut each one into 4
The chemist replied at that size they wouldn't really give him the effect he might have hoped for
The old chap said look son I'm 90 years old and lost interest in sex year's ago
The chemist ask's what did he want them for
I only need a them to work just enough so I don't keep p**sing on my feet when I use the loo.....
Lol...regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Masood]

What did the left testicle say to the right testicle? Nothing important, they were just talking b0ll0cks..

See if the sweary filter edits that...

 

[thompsonbrown]

View attachment 23834

Everyone knows you can only use George with water

 

[turnpin]

It's the evening rush hour on the underground with plenty of pushing and shoving going on and as the train leaves every station the train is getting more packed ...a beautiful young lady has had enough and turns round to the guy behind her and say's....stop pushing your erection into my body you perv.....the embarrassed guy splutters...... I'll have you know that's my wallet and I've just been paid.......she replied...you must have some feckin job then as you've had four raise's
In the last ten minutes.....lol regards Turnpin :smilielol5:

 

[Masood]

 

[mike-c]

Just fitted one of these Daesh washers.

 

[spanner]

Just fitted one of these Daesh washers.

View attachment 24644

Never heard out a daesh washer before?
Does it do the dishwasher as well? ??

 

[ShaunCorbs]

Don't you mean isis washing machines

 

[rpm]

Don't you mean isis washing machines

Take it you know the word daesh?

 

[ShaunCorbs]

Take it you know the word daesh?

I get it now

 

[Dotty]

I can remember my mum running away with the milkman.

I watched as she packed her bags, climbed on his milkfloat and disappeared up the road.

Saddest 3 hours of my life.....

 

[mountainman]

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the tumble drier for a few minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller.

 

[kay-jay]

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the tumble drier for a few minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller.

Croppie once tumble dried his legs....

 

[Masood]

I can remember my mum running away with the milkman.

I watched as she packed her bags, climbed on his milkfloat and disappeared up the road.

Saddest 3 hours of my life.....

I can remember my mum running away with the milkman.

I watched as she packed her bags, climbed on his milkfloat and disappeared up the road.

Saddest 3 hours of my life.....

She did it twice? Was it the same milkman or two different ones? Ernie the fastest milkman in the west, and Pat Mustard!