a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[turnpin]

Hope it wont spoil your supper erpkid..regards turnpin:willy_nilly:

 

[Howsie]

I got really concerned when I heard the Iron Lady had died of a stroke.

Thankfully, my wife is alright and my clothes will remain crease free.

 

[Howsie]

When Fred The Weatherman said to me "I prefer it best when it's 13 and very wet" I presumed he meant the f'in weather!

 

[Howsie]

I was abused by Margaret Thatcher when I was a miner!

 

[Howsie]

So there's reports of alcohol fuelled street parties all over Glasgow celebrating Maggie Thatcher's death.

Or it could just be a Tuesday.

 

[stevetheplumber]

A Scotsman, Englishman and a Welshman were using the urinals .

The Englishman finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.

The Welsh gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Cardiff University, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.

The Jock man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In Scotland, we learn not to **** on our hands."

 

[Dotty]

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained:
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

 

[Dotty]

 

[Dotty]

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

[Ray Stafford]

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”

 

[Dotty]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he found his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 position. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my wife crapped in my face, bit my *****, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

villa toms van?

 

[kay-jay]

cant even spell quality lmao

 

[julesverne]

What's a Catholic Priest and a pint of Guinness got in common ? .... Black coat, white collar and god help your arse if you get a dodgy one ...

 

[Dotty]

My son looked upset today so I asked him what was wrong.

He sat down on the sofa beside me and said, "Can I talk to you about having sex with my girlfriend?"

"Of course you can son" I replied.

He said, "Can you stop doing it please!"

 

[Dotty]

Japanese couple having an argument ....

Husband says "Sukitaki !"

Wife replies "Kowanini !"

Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo !"

Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji !"

Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji !"

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese ....

You daft bugger!!!

 

[Dotty]

The other night I went out with the lads.

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'... She didn't seem upset in the least. Phew, I got away with that one!

Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!"

 

[Dotty]

As my mother in law's coffin got lowered into the ground at her funeral the vicar asked us all to throw something in that we would like her to take to the grave with her.

It took my wife 20 minutes to climb back out.

 

[Dotty]

I dropped my son off for his first day at school earlier when the mother beside me started crying.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Its my daughter's first day," she sobbed. "I'm just a little worried that she won't fit in because of her weight."

"Well the doors are a little narrow," I replied.

 

[Dotty]

I said to my mate, "I started rubbing my wife's clitoris last night and she went mental."

He said, "Wasn't she in the mood?"

I said, "I think it was because I'd used a wire brush!"

 

[Dotty]

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"

 

[Dotty]

One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little *****. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

 

[turnpin]

A fella take`s a girl home back to her parents house shhhhh she say`s be quite Mum and Dad are in bed asleep and I don`t want you waking them after a kiss and a fumble He say`s I`m busting to use the loo oh no she say`s toilet upstair`s next to their room you will have to use the kitchen sink after a few minute`s she say`s are you O.K sure he replies where do they keep the toilet roll.....regards turnpin:tongue3:

 

[Dotty]

Help! Has anyone got a phone number for the Ghostbusters? I think I may have a poltergeist.

I came in from work early and I heard my wife screaming, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"

I quickly ran upstairs and she was covered head to foot in ectoplasm and the wardrobe doors wouldn't stop trembling...

 

[villa_tom]

......