a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[mountainman]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK !!* I can’t park the car !!* You do it, you smug ******* !!"



*

 

[Bunker]

I think it is absolutely necessary to look at things from a woman's point of view!

Men Will Never Understand Unless We See It From A Womans Point Of View | The Nug

I just got in trouble looking at that.....

 

[Barry98]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those morons at Jewsons deliver the bloody bricks on time.'

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[Masood]

The Karma Sutra has a new chapter entitled 'The Plumber'.
You both stay in all day and nobody comes!

In the latest revised version that's been updated:

Plumbers are like call girls, they work their nuts off but the customers moan and moan but are never satisfied and everyone thinks they earn millions...

 

[Reg Man]

Volkswagen 'Toy Story' - See Films Differently. - YouTube

 

[Dotty]

Paddy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:

Cheese Sandwich: €1.50

Chicken Sandwich: €2.50

Hand Job: €10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers Paddy, "are you the one who gives the hand- jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."

Paddy replies "Well, wash ur fecking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

 

[Barry98]

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about, 'what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?'
Answer: Throw in your washing...


We were all having a good laugh about this when this big ******* tapped me on the shoulder and said,


"I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits"


I said, "Oh mate, I'm so sorry. Did he drown?"


"No", he replied. "He choked on a sock"

 

[Barry98]

lmao.

 

[Rickster123]

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

 

[Barry98]

not saying which Irish mod I bought this off , but thanks

 

[turnpin]

Fella go's to the doctors about his rear end feeling sore...doc said lets have a look then oooh he says you have a large strawberry wedged in your rse ..what will you do doc said the chap..I will give you some cream for it.......regards Turnpin

 

[Rickster123]

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your ****ing cat.”

 

[turnpin]

A wife said to her hubby the doctor rang and wants you to attend an appointment tomorrow at 9 a.m with a ***** ,urine and a stool sample...no can do he said early start on a new job ...that's o.k she said I'll just drop in a pair of your pant's ....regards Turnpin

 

[Rickster123]

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"


I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."


She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"


I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

 

[TomLane]

So Kerry Katona is pregnant.

She was asked "Do you know what sex it will be?"

"Probably just anal for the next 9 months" she replied.

 

[julesverne]

Chinese takeaway £14.00

Petrol to pick it up £2.00

Getting all the way home to find out they forgot part of your order

Rice less

 

[mountainman]

Not Pc but true

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Not Pc but true

true story annorl

 

[Dotty]

God breathes life into Adam and tells him... "You are man, my most favored creation, because of this I am going to give you the *****, and the brain."

Adam replies..."Thank you lord, thank you so much, thank you.

God says back to him, "Don't get to excited, there's a catch."

Adam asks, "What is the catch?"

God answers, "I'm only going to give you enough blood in your body to use one of them a time."
​

 

[Dotty]

I pulled a girl the other night, she said she was never in the mood for sex till she had a bottle of wine in her.

After a bit of a struggle it turned out she meant she wanted to drink it.
​

 

[Dotty]

A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.

The next day at an awards ceremony for the 6 heroic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.

"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.

"Well," replied the old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old ****ing truck!"​

 

[Dotty]

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure​

 

[Howsie]

I was on the beach with my wife.

I said, "You look like a lobster!"

"Oh no, am I sunburnt?" she asked.

I replied, "No, just very ugly."

 

[Howsie]

Isn't it strange how really sexy women drive cute little cars?

Which reminds me, the M.O.T.'s due on the wife's Transit.