a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[PlumbBobBob]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!

Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?"

"I did, they're in your tackle box."

 

[Howsie]

Need sound for this one.

[video=youtube_share;BUB_qy3rcYY]http://youtu.be/BUB_qy3rcYY[/video]

 

[Rickster123]

A blonde woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."


The Doctor had a look, chuckled, and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

anyone spot jesus?

 

[Rickster123]

anyone spot jesus?

i just laughed so much I spilt my brew!

 

[Ermintrude]

Brilliant!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

wheres x?

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ****.


When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ****, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability



When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.



When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.



When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ****.

 

[tamz]

A husband comes in from his work to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going down to London. You can earn £300 for a blow job there, and I though that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on £300 a year!!!"

 

[turnpin]

Did you hear about the mathematician with severe constipation....he got a pencil and just worked it out .....regards Turnpin:cool3:

 

[tamz]

I was feeling really depressed last night thinking about state of the health service, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, pensions, etc. so i looked up the number for a suicide hotline and gave them a ring.
I had to press 1 for English and was eventually connected to some call center in Pakistan.
I told them i was feeling suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a bus...

 

[Howsie]

Bless you my child.

 

[tamz]

Alleged true story

A plane flying into Glasgow airport and the pilot comes over the intercom saying,
"We are starting our decent and will shortly be landing in Glasgow. The temperature there tonight is 12 degrees and a light rain. Thank you for flying with cattle class airlines we hope you enjoyed your flight"
He turns to his co pilot, forgetting to turn the mic off and says
"what are you up to tonight when we get in?"

"Oh i'm going for a couple of pints then i'm going to sh ag the rse off that new stewardess, the one with the dark hair"
On hearing this the said stewardess is raging and storms down the isle towards the cabin and tries to squeeze past a wee woman in the isle.
The woman looks at her and says
"its ok pet, there is no rush. He said he was going for a couple of pints first"......

 

[turnpin]

Big crowd around a film directors pool which contains a croc and a shark ..Any person to swim from one end to the other can have anything money can buy ..suddenly theres a splash and a guy swims as fast as a torpedo and gets out at the other end breathless the director says son that was awesome what would you like to which the guy replies just get me the barsteward who pushed me in .....regards Turnpin:rolleyes2:

 

[Dotty]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ****.


When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ****, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability



When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.



When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.



When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ****.

Like this?

Huge bouncing boobs in the SUV - YouTube

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Like this?

Huge bouncing boobs in the SUV - YouTube

you will go blind one day son

 

[Dotty]

you will go blind one day son

But not today.........

 

[turnpin]

But not today.........

Maybe just chance one eye .....regards Turnpin:8:

 

[PlumbBobBob]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off

He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

?

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

?

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened

And her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it Wrong.

 

[Barry98]

Croppie and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.


Croppie types in, "Mypenis," and frowns when he sees his wife on the ground laughing.
She points to the screen...."Error. Not long enough."

 

[Barry98]

*Warning about e-Bay* *
Be careful what you buy on this site.


If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.


A friend has just spent $ 195 plus sales tax on a ***** enlarger.

they sent him a magnifying glass.


The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."*

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

https://www.************/photo.php?v=4067189561613&set=vb.1338537372&type=2&theater

 

[Masood]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off

He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

?

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

?

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened

And her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it Wrong.

I'm stealing that for facebook!

 

[PlumbBobBob]

that's where i got it from lol