a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[stevetheplumber]

whats the difference between a woman and a fridge ?





the fridge dont fart when you pull the meat out

 

[Barry98]

whats the difference between a woman and a fridge ?





the fridge dont fart when you pull the meat out

i really wish that wasnt the first post i read after getting up this morning

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

LP,S smart car?

 

[Leo21]

Those lot are a bunch of thieves! I hope more people mess them around.

 

[PlumbBobBob]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

 

[PlumbBobBob]

Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not.

 

[Dotty]

APPlumbing was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' He asked.
Mrs APPlumbing replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
APPlumbing then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on . '
Mrs APPlumbing apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later APPlumbing is watching TV when Mrs APPlumbing bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit him again.
Mrs APPlumbing replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[turnpin]

A feller is having a drink at the bar as he turns round he knocks a drink out of a big guys hand who in turn hits him and knocks him out "when he wakes up tell him that was a karate punch from the 2013 karate champion of London " ...the next night the big guys having a drink at the same bar when all of a sudden he sees stars and falls in a heap on the floor "the little guy says when he wakes up tell him that was a 1956 morris starting handle".....regards Turnpin:wink5:

 

[Leo21]

I've just installed a camera in my bathroom, you can now follow me on sh!tter.

 

[Rickster123]

Tommy cooper at his best...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

 

[Rickster123]

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

 

[Rickster123]

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

 

[Rickster123]

I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their arse whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"


He said, "No, What?"


I said, "You dirty *******!"

 

[Rickster123]

So October becomes stoptober, give up smoking month and some bright spark has decided that we should give up drinking as well for the month. We only need to be told to try and give up bacon and there it is.


Ramadan by stealth.

 

[lame plumber]

 

[Barry98]

she loves it

 

[julesverne]

Im not saying my wifes a fat cow but shes just cleaned the cooker with 2 slices of bread.

 

[turnpin]

Scotsman go's into a London hotel bar Scotch please barman £7.50 please sir ....just a moment theres a fly in this glass ...extremely sorry sir I will change it for another ...No I just want you to know it's feet are touching the bottom......regards Turnpin:smile5:

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,

'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?'

like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said,

'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

 

[Dotty]

Ouch!

[DLMURL="http://lets-have-a-beer.com/swimmer-trapped-by-beach-balls-6879/"]Swimmer trapped by beach balls - Lets Have A Beer[/DLMURL]

 

[Dotty]

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

 

[Dotty]

THE DEFINITION OF GUTS AND BALLS

GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS- is coming home late after a night out smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say "you're next chubby."

 

[Dotty]

Sally arrived home from her date on cloud nine. She tossed her coat over a chair, her purse over the banister, she threw the rest of her clothing around the bedroom.
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asks if she had a good time. "oh," she sighed "I had a wonderful time!" "I should guess so," her mother remarked. "your knickers are stuck to the ceiling."

 

[Dotty]

I tried that erotic suffocation on the wife the other night while we where having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

 

[Dotty]

Aussie builders (Steve-o and Dave-o) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Steve-o: I reckon he's an accountant.

Dave-o: No way - he's a stockbroker.

Steve-o: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Steve-o and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Steve-o: 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Steve-o: Oh! What's that then?

Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Steve-o: Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Steve-o: It's in a pond!

Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Steve-o: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Steve-o: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Steve-o: Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Steve-o: Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not ********** very often?

Steve-o: Me? Never.

Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Steve-o: How's that then?

Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Steve-o: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Steve-o returns to his mate.

Dave-o: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Steve-o: Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Dave-o: What's that then?

Steve-o: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Dave-o: Nope.

Steve-o: Well then, you're a w**ker.