G
gavinwilson
not really sure about this new flavour gary
Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at Plumbers Forums
- Status
K
kay-jay
B
Billy Bob Bob
- Messages
- 1,237
Flipping flip off
A
albatross
What's a woman's ringpiece and a nine volt battery got in common?
You know it's wrong but you can't stop your self licking it.
You know it's wrong but you can't stop your self licking it.
E
erpkid
I am so proud to be a member of this forum.............
- Messages
- 1,237
Me too..:yes:
R
Ray Stafford
You owe me a new keyboard. Half a glass of tescos finest cab sav just got spat all over mine.
E
erpkid
You owe me a new keyboard. Half a glass of tescos finest cab sav just got spat all over mine.
Strangely cab sav has become our tipple of choice.......must be an age or maturity/wisdom thing
- Messages
- 1,237
No tee shirts XL pleaseYou owe me a new keyboard. Half a glass of tescos finest cab sav just got spat all over mine.
R
Ray Stafford
I have a less flattering theory.
Our bladders can no longer cope with sufficient beer to get us drunk
Our livers can no longer cope with sufficient spirits to get us drunk
Therefore wine strikes a nice balance for a man of a certain age...
Or it could be your maturity/wisdom thing. Who knows?
D
Dotty
I have a less flattering theory.
Our bladders can no longer cope with sufficient beer to get us drunk
Our livers can no longer cope with sufficient spirits to get us drunk
Therefore wine strikes a nice balance for a man of a certain age...
Or it could be your maturity/wisdom thing. Who knows?
In theory it's a good theory but the theory you theorised is flawed. On both counts.
For one reason and one reason only.
Whisky.
L
lame plumber
[h=3]Dirty dishes[/h]There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He's always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "For Sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition at a very reasonable price. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape".
"Well", says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it". And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey", she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem", he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her Mom's gotta good body", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I'll do the f@(#ing dishes!!"
"Well", says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it". And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey", she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem", he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her Mom's gotta good body", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I'll do the f@(#ing dishes!!"
L
lame plumber
[h=3]Guide to motorcycle tools[/h]
- Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
[*]Mechanic's knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
[*]Electric hand drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
[*]Vice-grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
[*]Oxy-acetylene torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
[*]Zippo lighter:
See oxy-acetylene torch.
[*]Whitworth sockets:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
[*]Drill press:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.
[*]Wire wheel:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"
[*]Hydraulic bike jack/platform:
Ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.
[*]Eight-foot long Douglas fir 2 x 4:
Used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike (see above).
[*]Tweezers:
A tool for removing wood splinters (see above).
[*]Phone:
Tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack (see above).
[*]"Snap-on" gasket scraper:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
[*]E-Z out bolt and stud extractor:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
[*]Timing light:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
[*]Two-ton hydraulic engine hoist:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Goldwing off the floor.
[*]Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch screwdriver:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
[*]Battery electrolyte tester:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
[*]Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
[*]Aviation metal cutters:
See hacksaw.
[*]Trouble light:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin" which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
[*]Phillips screwdriver:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
[*]Air compressor:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.
K
kay-jay
Breaking news
UKPF's very own croppie has returned to London from Northern Ireland to lend a hand in the flood emergency.It is believed he will be employed as a flood barrier to protect the nations capital.
UKPF's very own croppie has returned to London from Northern Ireland to lend a hand in the flood emergency.It is believed he will be employed as a flood barrier to protect the nations capital.
D
Dotty
Breaking news
UKPF's very own croppie has returned to London from Northern Ireland to lend a hand in the flood emergency.It is believed he will be employed as a flood barrier to protect the nations capital.
W@nker.............
E
erpkid
Breaking news
UKPF's very own croppie has returned to London from Northern Ireland to lend a hand in the flood emergency.It is believed he will be employed as a flood barrier to protect the nations capital.
Eric Pickles master of the non apology. Sticking the boot in the environment agency.....guess who is next for Serco's ( or equivalents ) warm embrace...sorry this is not funny, especially as he is not the worst !
B
Barry98
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- 1,237
LoL..omgAbsolutely brilliant.
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