a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Best]

Those poor, dear girls. We should go over there immediately to be their personal bodyguards. I volunteer to body search them all for hidden weapons....

Careful! I think they are all carrying large pointy items on them.

 

[chris watkins]

Careful! I think they are all carrying large pointy items on them.

So would Masood if went over to play bodyguard, I guess it wouldn't be a concealed weapon for very long.

 

[Dotty]

So would Masood if went over to play bodyguard, I guess it wouldn't be a concealed weapon for very long.

Just not a very big one.....

 

[Masood]

Just not a very big one.....

Oi! It's not small, it's far away!

 

[AlexGas]

...

 

[Howsie]

Baton Twirl Like No One is Watching

Is that Croppie?

 

[Howsie]

Dance like no-one's watching...

https://youtu.be/s2HdEYLlHCI

I actually feel very uncomfortable watching that. I think I could cringe to death.

 

[julesverne]

The little boy had been looking out of the airplane's window.

He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.

The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."

"Well," said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

 

[julesverne]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far bum kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bull**** and bum Kissing will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

[julesverne]

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is a ******* minger."

 

[PlumbBobBob]

https://www.************/IveLostMyM...41827.426976694096910/916699228457985/?type=3

 

[julesverne]

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand about watching a woman make sandwiches."

 

[Masood]

Some absolute belters here if you're after a new hairstyle!

12 deeply regrettable haircuts of our time | The Poke

 

[1Steven]

 

[kay-jay]

Spent my saturday morning on a spot of home improvement.
Not exactly as intended but it will do.

 

[kay-jay]

Any religious folk in here want a fancy light switch?

 

[1Steven]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, 'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

 

[stani]

 

[turnpin]

3 fella's walking down a country lane and spot a pig's bum sticking out of the bush's...1st guy said I wish that was Pam Anderson's bum........second guy said I wish it was Jennifer Aniston,s bum.....third guy said I wish it was dark.......lol regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[turnpin]

Two policeman knock on the door and ask the man who answers can he confirm if the lady in the photo is his wife......one of the policemen said I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus....to which the man replie's I know but she's got a cracking personality...... lol regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[turnpin]

A man was at the bar of a posh hotel getting himself a scotch when he accidentally elbowed a young lady in her breast oh my goodness I am so sorry he said but if your heart is as soft as your breast I hope you can forgive me.......she replied if your dick is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 202......lol regards Turnpin:rofl:

 

[stani]

 

[Masood]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."