a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[lambchop]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Whats the difference between a fat bird and a moped...

There both a great ride until your mates see you on one

 

[Puddle]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened.

I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck,

and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,

"You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming

and we have the technology now to rebuild,
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this."So," the doctor says,
"It's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch one before,

and you decide to go for a nine incher,

she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor,"have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.















"We're having granite worktops!!!"

 

[markfxy]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife

 

[mountainman]

The Pope is visiting Liverpool and during one of his audiences he speaks to a young lad.
The Pope asks if he can help the lad in any way.
The lad replies "can you help me with my hearing"

The Pope cups the boys ears in his hands and prays.
When the prayer was finished the Pope asks the lad "how is your hearing now?"

The lad replied "I dunno, it's not 'till next week"

 

[Howsie]

**** Spoiler.

The plumber doesn't fix the leak in the kitchen sink.

 

[tamz]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Religious education class in a Glasgow school

Wee Mary raises her hand and says
"Miss, do angels fly?"

Wee Jimmy shouts out
"Do they fu ck!"

The teacher says
"One question at a time please"

 

[Howsie]

P orn Spoiler.

The plumber doesn't fix the leak in the kitchen sink.

Not sure why **** was blocked.

 

[rrocco3]

Re: 24 Hour Plumbers

I called a 24 hour plumber out recently with a problem I had, he turned up, I left him to it then went to check on him- water all over the place!!! I said "how long have you been a plumber?!!!", he replied "24 hours"

 

[Howsie]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife said I've got no respect for the The Queen.

I nearly choked on my swan sandwich.

 

[Howsie]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I just watched Paul McCartney on The Queens Jubilee.

I thought "Anybody else think that The Beatles are dying in the wrong order?"

 

[Howsie]

There are 3.6 billion women in the world and I just made my own sandwich.

WTF?!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him. She says"Hello!".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.


So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's English
teacher. We met at the last parents' evening"

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

In a similar vein, a true story:

At our childrens' last school one of our friends was a parent. He used to hang around at delivery time in the mornings and chat to anyone and everyone and would volunteer for various things.

One day he was chatting to me and one or two people as well as the bursar (who was also a parent in our year group). In walked some prospective parents looking for the headmaster for their appointment and he introduced himself the bursar, me and the other one or two in the group.

The bursar's wife then wandered into the hall and straight as a dye (speling?) he said to these new people, "Ah, this is the person the bursar sleeps with!!"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.

When I left the hospital after the procedure, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband unexpectedly also came home that day.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says whispering, 'Dark in here.'
The man replies, 'Yes, it is...'
Boy: 'I have a baseball!'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here!'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy: How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, for confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says, 'Dark in here!'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again! You're in my closet now!'

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Whenever i get the chance, i give my wife a cuddle, because you know what they say -

"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."

 

[kay-jay]

Whenever i get the chance, i give my wife a cuddle, because you know what they say -

"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."

I take my wife everywhere with me just so i don't have to kiss her goodbye......

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I take my wife everywhere with me just so i don't have to kiss her goodbye......

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

One day she might just read that mate and you'd better pray for a quick death.LOL

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife is upset with me after she asked me what i would do if she ever became comatose.

Apparently she didn't 'appreciated' the answer, "Let sleeping dogs lie"

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
... ...
*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?''

 

[mikegas]

Boy: "Wanna have sex?" Girl: "My doctor said I can't have sex for two weeks." Boy: "What did your dentist say?”

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own.

He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.



While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.



The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.



As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.



Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'



Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'



Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'



'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.



I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid.



I have a 28 inch waist.



Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.



How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'



Clearing his throat, he stammered ....







Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......

that was me......'​

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

just been to the gym and said to a trainer, ' Which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there.'


' Try the cash machine. ' he said

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

NEVER annoy the missus when she's gone all hormonal........

 

[Howsie]

Congratulations Whitney Houston, 4 months sober today!