a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Puddle]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her top and knickers and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f... or drown...'

 

[Howsie]

Harry Redknapp has been given three million pounds as compensation after being sacked.

After tax, that works out as about three million pounds.

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

We plumbers were given £200 each as compensation for doing some plumbing yesterday, without being sacked.

After tax, that works out as about £160.

Apart from not earning enough, what am we doing wrong?

Perhaps we should be classed as sacked when we finish a job and call the payment "compensation" instead?

Totally mockery on the ordinary tax payer.

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

a woman goes into the kitchen and sees husband with a fly swatter.

'what you doing she asks?'
'hunting flies' he replied
'oh, kill any?' she asked
'yep 3 males,2 females'
intrigued by this she asked ' how can you tell? them apart?
3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone..........

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

....

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

...

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A guy and his always nagging wife were on holiday in the Holy Land. His wife unexpectedly died and the undertakers were called in.

"How much will it cost?" asked the guy.

"Well if you want her shipped home in a coffin, it will cost you £5,000 or if you want her buried here in the Holy Land it will only cost £150".

The guy thought about it for a moment and told the undertakers that he wanted his wife shipped home.

"But why would you spend £5000 in getting your wife shipped home, when she can have a lovely funeral for only £150 in the Holy Land?"

"Well," said the guy. "A bloke was once buried here and three days later he woke from the dead and I'm not wanting to take that chance!"

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour



I bet HSBC dont know about this local knowledge...

 

[Howsie]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My son got ran over today, it was his own fault though.

I've told him a million times to walk straight across the road.

The gay little fecker couldn't even do that right.

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

You'll need to spend over an hour to enjoy all this video - I did and I've still tears streaming - fantastic!!

Anyway, if you want a couple there's a parking one at 35 minutes and a brilliant superman one at 1:02:00 (hrs:mins:sec).

I found it a really funny video:


Best of just for laughs ( 2011 ) HQ - YouTube

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I






















































For those who guessed correctly the answer I was looking for was SPINE

 

[SimonJohns]

No answer gasman

Spine?

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

No answer gasman

Spine?

Scroll down

 

[SimonJohns]

Obviously a joke not designed for the iPad

 

[mountainman]

Spine.

 

[peteheat]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

We plumbers were given £200 each as compensation for doing some plumbing yesterday, without being sacked.

After tax, that works out as about £160.

Apart from not earning enough, what am we doing wrong?

Perhaps we should be classed as sacked when we finish a job and call the payment "compensation" instead?

Totally mockery on the ordinary tax payer.

You're in the Arms, no need to talk dirty!

 

[SafeGasInstall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was wrong

 

[Leo21]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Me too

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Thought it was snipe, but forgot where our snipe is ...

 

[Leo21]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It's not in your y fronts is it?

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

........

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

.....

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

.....

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The mother in law has been staying with us for the last few weeks, for years there had been tension between us, then last nite i walked in the bathroom as she sat naked in the hot bath, i locked the door and we both looked at each other through the steamy atmosphere. i paused then realized i couldnt contain my feelings any longer, so i drowned the fat cow.
​

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​

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp.

He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish.

So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath.

Not a bad start he thinks.

As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road.

He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot.

He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky Seven."

Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.

He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says,

"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen.

Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life.

I can't believe how lucky I am.

But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women.

I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says,

"Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire.

If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail.

All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his bum off.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.




To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"