a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!" Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the skinny arseless bint wearing oversized sun glasses and trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "Hey,
don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."​

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A couple went into the woods late at night for a little bit of passion. The guy says to the girl "I wish I had a torch", the girl said "I wish you had one too, because you have been licking the grass for the last 10 minutes."​

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Wife comes home with the shopping and shouts through to her husband, "I got some ice cream, would you like some?""How hard is it?" he replies."It's as hard as you are when you see me naked" she says."OK then, just pour me a small glass!"​

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'​

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David
aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He works for british gas but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'​

 

[bennygas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

paddy's working as a removal man, and he's struggling down the stairs with a wardrobe. The customer sees him struggling and asks "why isn't your mate helping you with that?", to which paddy replied "he is, he's inside carrying the clothes..."

sorry best i could do.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

"What am I going to do?" cried my tearful elderly relative. "My winter allowance won't cover my gas bill?" "But it is rather large, have you had the heating on full blast or something?" I exclaimed. "Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and stuff for some people," she sniffled. "But the bill's nearly 43 grand!" I scoffed. "Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

bra less did not work on the wife when i tried:teeth_smile: it in the car

 

[SafeGasInstall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

you dont have toyota then

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Told it ages ago, but here goes.......

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
OK, I give up. Where's the F---ing ship?"

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

That's me all over!!!!

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

thanks bod!.....:devilish:

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

thanks bod!.....:devilish:

no THANK YOU kay-jay

 

[julesverne]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was telling a lady the other in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day they were born just by the way i felt there boobs.

"Really ?" she said "go on then try"

After about a minute she started to get really impatient

"come on then " she demanded

"what day was a i born then"

"Yesterday " i replied :cheesy:

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

hoping i will get away with this , with it been in the arms if not fair cop sorry in advance. slightly adult

one for the ladies

Nudemen Clock - Francis Lam

Click on the clock to change it to digital

 

[PlumbBobBob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

that's excellent bod and it's too small to be rude really

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My mate set me up on a blind date.He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My parents have gone to India with some friends."Mumbai?" my mate asked,No, she's straight, but I don't think it's that kind of trip anyway. * *

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I found the off-switch on women, It's in the back of their heads, You have to use is a bat to activate it.

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Say the following very quickly, but make sure you're not in Church or worse still in a kiddies playground;

I ENJOY A GOOD MATHS DEBATE.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

crap karate,these people are really monged[video=youtube;tqphKlMv92A]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqphKlMv92A&feature=player_embedded[/video]

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A dog asks a cat 'how come we never see your kind making love in public'

To which the cat replies 'do you want the humans to steal our style like they did yours?'

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

How NOT to teach puberty to the kids.....

A girl realized that she was growing hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about the hair.
Her mum calmly said- "that part where hair is growing is your Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
Mum fainted.​

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting
to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in
Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The
wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted..

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without..
Send extra sauce
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