a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A bloke walks into a bar
with a pet crocodile by his
side.

He puts the crocodile
up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished
patrons and says....

"I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's
mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my bits
unscratched.

In return for witnessing
this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a
drink".

The crowd murmured their
approval.
The man stood up
on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials
and related parts in the
crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.

After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard
on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his
genitals unscratched as
promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again
and made another offer....
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while,
a hand went up in the
back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
spoke up...
"I'll try it - Just don't
hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!"​

 

[Leo21]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Injury lawyers 4u are s**t . When our neighbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to take a picture of her gash. Guess who's in court tomorrow.

 

[Howsie]

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning. That's why I always send the wife.

Win-Win.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Them cheeky buggers at census , sent my Census form back!! In answer to one question, 'Do you have any dependants your paying for?', I put, 'MP's, , Asylum seekers, gypos, druggies, paedophilles, prisoner's, the cast of the Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS. Greece. portugal. and half of bloody Eastern Europe....!!

 

[mikegas]

How advertising should be done!
Removed

 

[PlumbBobBob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

excellent

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Don't let the kiddies loose at a funeral.....

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

wonder how long before wifey realizes i have messed with the stupid stick/ball/thing display she has in the lounge

 

[Rickster123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

wonder how long before wifey realizes i have messed with the stupid stick/ball/thing display she has in the lounge

Pmsl how childish! Made me laugh straight away!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Pmsl how childish! Made me laugh straight away!

shes still not sussed it,i done this a hour ago

 

[kirkgas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

shes still not sussed it,i done this a hour ago

you will need to log in every day now, or we will think she has seen it and done the same to you

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]Common Tools Explained[/h]

Common Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY/ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
thetrash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
ofeverything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BIT** TOOL : (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you
grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BIT**!' at the top
of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

And,

FLASHLIGHT: A container for storing dead batteries.​

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

 

[Howsie]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=6]Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."[/h]

 

[Howsie]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Women drivers are like stars in the sky.

You can see them, but they can't see you.

 

[SafeGasInstall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

my wife fits in the description

 

[PlumbBobBob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

don't let her see that stan or she will won't see you and run you over lol

 

[Howsie]

Official story : North Korean rocket fails, falls in South Korean seas.

North Korea state TV : Eternal leaders rocket becomes glorious submarine to fool the puppet forces of the West.

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour




just got sent this lol

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

...his friend sits next to him. He has two black eyes.
The guy says, "Hey, what happened to you?"
The friend says, "It was in church. When we all stood up to sing, I noticed that this lady in front of me had her dress caught in between her bum cheeks. So, being a nice person, I pulled it out for her. She turned around and socked me in the eye."
"Oh wow," the guy says. "Well, how'd you get the other one?"
The friend replies, "I thought she wanted it back in."​

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband I must confess darling, I was a hooker!
He says Thats alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it.
She replies Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !​

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Old man goes to the doctor with his wife for a check up...The doctor says "We're going to need a sample of your blood, urine, stool, and *****."
The old guy, being hard of hearing, says, "What???"
His wife turns to him and says, "Give him your underpants."​

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.At about 3 in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson up and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"Watson said,"I see millions of stars."Holmes asks,"And, what does that tell you?"Watson replies,"Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"Holmes says,"Someone has stolen our tent."​

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month
Hi John,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?​

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'