a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[mountainman]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

so am i , huddersfield and as a fellow yorkshiremen a , thats poor fella lol

My daughter graduated from Huddersfield Uni last year and I went up there with her for the ceremony.
Shame that Patrick Stewart wasn't there in person tho..
Alll in all, lovely place with great architecture (above the shopfronts)

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=6]Local Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in their backsides in the last 48 hours.

A Police spokesman said that they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
[/h]

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Rangers have stated that they will not be receiving the same amount of money from televised matches next season.

They hardly expected the history channel to pay as good Sky Sports.​

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Another "Downfall" parody with a scottish theme to it..
[video]http://vimeo.com/user10434769/rangersdownfall[/video]

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

love that hitler one !

 

[quality]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Not saying that my wife is a slapper but even the label in her knickers say next !

 

[mikegas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

 

[Mike Jackson]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Three for a tenner seems a good deal.


BJ's by Mike Jackson1, on Flickr

 

[SafeGasInstall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

that will be nice

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

For those of you who have been to
Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.



CHILLI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?



CHILLI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bum with a
snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chilli?

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,

Oh you didn't tell me you had a prescription!​

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Not so much a joke, just a good impression of Morgan freeman. It's from the shawshank redemption, one of my favourite films

[DLMURL]http://vpic.epicfail.com/epicfail/incero-mobile-highq/3_1_morgan.wmv.mp4[/DLMURL]

Enjoy

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I just watched show where Jamie Oliver said that I shouldnt be afraid to buy things from the 'reduced price' shelf cos I can make a family meal from what I find there......... just hope the kids like their shoelace, WD40 and cat food casserole.

 

[Resolute]

I can't wait for tomorrow. It's come in bra and knickers day at work.

Well, that's what we've told the apprentice anyway.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I can't wait for tomorrow. It's come in bra and knickers day at work.

Well, that's what we've told the apprentice anyway.

is the apprentice young,hot and female ?

 

[Resolute]

What do you call a gay Teletubby?

Stinky Winky.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer goes a stop sign and gets pulled over by aGlasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the Hell out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

__________________

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

AFTER THE SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE REFERENDUM......

If Scotland decides to vote YES and break away from the United Kingdom, then the remaining countries would be called Formerly United Kingdom or F.U.K for short.
The NO campaign against independence has developed a new slogan, "Vote NO for F.U.K's sake".

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Got home early and the missus was looking hot, we looked at each other and well one thing led to another....

Take off that dress.....
......take off those nice tight pink panties....
.....take off that bra.....
.........take off the suspenders please darling.
So there I stood bollock naked on a cold winters night...

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=6]A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand.

She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.

But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount involved.

After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.

The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office.

Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level.

The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.

"I bet," she stated.

"You bet?" repeated the president. "As in horses?"

"No, she replied. "I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets on different things with people.

All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose.

For the rest of the day he was very careful.

He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was okay.

There was no difference - he looked the same as he always had.

He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went.

He knew that this would be a good day - how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 a.m. sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office.

With her was a younger man.

When the president inquired as to the purpose of his being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer, and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.

"Well," she asked. "What about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," the bank president replied, "but I'm the same as I have always been, only $25,000.00 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.

The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers.

She instructed him to bend over, then she grabbed hold of him.

Sure enough everything was fine.

The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.

"Oh - him," she replied. "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning I would have the president of Chase Bank by the balls."
[/h]

 

[Resolute]

In a sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the landlady of a local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason,she get's embarrassed whenever she receives post:

Linda Lykes

The Cockwell Inn

Erbum

Tillet

Herts

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour



(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Men:

1. Fine: Use when the woman's right and you want her to shut up.
2. Five minutes: You stud - also time required for men to prepare for a black tie evening out
3. Nothing: What you talk about in the pub
4. Go Ahead: I'd rather drive behind you to protect my rear bumper
5. Loud Sigh: In response to a request for help with clothes shopping or a response to No3, when questioned for the third time about your night out.
6. That's Okay: Expression to use after a full day's work, returned home to finish fixing the car, mending the broken toys, sorted out the house insurance, cooked the meal and washed up afterwards. Frequently used to enjoy No2 later on
7. Thanks: Always polite to use this after No2
8. Whatever: When No2 is refused
9. Don't Worry about it; I got it: Dangerous statement to use unless you've double and tripled checked the shopping against the shopping list

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

...

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The Inequality of the sexes...