a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]To make a woman happy[/h]

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

=========================================
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him.
2. Mate with him.
3. Be quiet.

​

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Emile Heskey has revealed that he's been wearing a t-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and will reveal it next time he scores.

It says "Free Nelson Mandela"

 

[Resolute]

I told my girlfriend I wanted to go to a strip club.

She said this to me, she goes, 'What do you want to go to a strip club for? I'll strip for you.'

I was like, 'How great is that? I guess I'll just tell my friends to come over here.'

 

[Resolute]

Wife: I'm leaving you, I've been having an affair.

Husband: you dirty ****ing slag. Get out the house you *****. I never want to see you again. Who is he? Do I know him?

Wife: it's a she, her name is Lisa.

Husband: darling, can we talk about it?

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook.
So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese, 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun

and I still have £2.74 left over".

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Apparently the buffet at Kim Jon Il's funeral was the dogs bollox..

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it,then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you", he looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?", he spots some cash on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". he hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". the burglar says " what kind of person names his bird moses??" the parrot replies "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTTWEILER "JESUS".

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise liner have found two scousers still in the bar.
They told the divers to feck-off they're All Inclusive..

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Was watching the news on the telly about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky Newsreader said "She's laying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court"..
I just happened to glance at the wife...then it all kicked off.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour


stupid people
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or The Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know..
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the Middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?>
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci..
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER ..ER .. Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er.... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .. .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .. . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish..
Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
__________________

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Wife thought that 3D Television was 3 decibels television.
Now she's listening to TV with her eyeballs.

Somehow managed to convince her that you could catch kippers in our local river.

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

 

[quality]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A recent survey has shown that one in three women are just as stupid as the other two . .

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

following on from gasman here's some stupid game show answers from across the pond.

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jack ie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh​

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour



haha

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Wrong bone Fido....

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

this is a good one

 

[Dannypipe]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

this is a good one

View attachment 5028

That is genius.

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=6]Kenny Dalglish has rubbished rumours that Andy Carroll will be shown the door this month. KD said: "We have shown him the goal for months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so its a complete waste of time showing him the door."[/h]

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Ladybird Books... remember them?,,,

 

[PlumbBobBob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

very good updates to a classic series

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Im always on the look out for the gas installer one.

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

As I watched my fiancee walking down the aisle towards me, I was incredibly happy.
My heart was beating fast and I could hardly contain my excitement.
It seemed to take forever, but eventually there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky grin and said.....



"Get that trolley ready babe, they're doing 3 cases of lager for the price of 2.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i went to weight watchers last night
opened a packet of maltesers and threw them all over the floor
it was the best game of hungry hippo's ive ever seen !!​

 

[kirkgas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i went to weight watchers last night
opened a packet of maltesers and threw them all over the floor
it was the best game of hungry hippo's ive ever seen !!​

i have had to wipe the tears from my eyes reading this, brilliant, what an image!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!