a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

an old one but all thesame

you gits IM GONNA FIND YOU!!!!! I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. Its all gone! The dirty rotten thieving sods. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!!..............












That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates!!.​

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Xmas
12 cans of carling
11 DNA tests
10 dads to choose from
9 teeth between the
8 squeezed in tracksuits
7 stinking smackrats
6 dunlop trainers
5 stolen rings
4 fat slags
3 ugly tvvats
2 timing cants and a VVanker who parades them on tv

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"I'd rather spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "But think how stupid you'd look riding a cow."

"Maybe," replied the farmer, "But not as stupid as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle."

 

[Hybrid]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I pulled a girl with a plasticine fanny on the weekend. Haven't shagged her yet but I think i've made an impression.

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the pig in the kitchen."​

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it?"
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree.

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was raped, by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

.....

 

[kay-jay]

View attachment 4591.....

God knows what you where searching for on the internet when you discovered that pic ces

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk

 

[kay-jay]

Bet that's put you right off the idea of a Thai bride

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

always reminds me of the story i heard of someone getting taken to amsterdam for their 16th, someone paid a hooker to give him a blowjob and turned out to be a guy, happy 16th lol now your scarred for life


true story supposidly

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

always reminds me of the story i heard of someone getting taken to amsterdam for their 16th, someone paid a hooker to give him a blowjob and turned out to be a guy, happy 16th lol now your scarred for life


true story supposidly

You want to get something off your chest Gerry?..

 

[Resolute]

Next time you go on a rollercoaster bring some spare bolts with you. Then say to the person in front of you 'Hey mate, these came out of your seat.'

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

You want to get something off your chest Gerry?..

yeah mate i was that hooker

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

in 1998, it was the iMac,

in 2001, it was the iPod,

in 2007 it was the iPhone,

in 2010, it was the iPad,

now we have a brand new product for you, ladies rejoice, this ones for you...

in 2012 a whole new market,

the iRon

 

[Kev the gas]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

On holiday in Thailand, I had a close call and almost ended up shagging a Ladyboy.

She looked like a woman, spoke like a woman.

I didnt expect a thing until she drove me back to the hotel and reversed into a parking space first time ........

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

 

[GQuigley67]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[desrob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

an irish man spat on the floor and missed..!

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The
madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"
and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do
with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will
do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would
surprise her.

So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a
little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He
whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him
as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything
a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man
wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to
teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and
is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
__________________

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

What a Year (Diary of a Blonde)

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn' t find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming
competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911...."duh" ........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


What a year!!

 

[Resolute]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Three women are about to be executed.

One's a brunette,one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out.

The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells,




''FIRE!!!''

​

 

[Resolute]

I keep having visions where I run after the perfect plumbing system.

I should stop before I end up chasing a pipe dream

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.
I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.