a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[PlumbBobBob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

police today raided kermit the frogs lilypad...they found hundreds of naked sick pictures of miss piggy. they say it's the worst case of frogs p orn they've ever seen.​

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.

They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the very attractive woman.

"Mr Wilson" says the man, "I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"

Smugly the bank manager replies, "In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks."

"Here's the deal." says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous."

Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.

"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?"

The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.

She smiles. "Then come in."

He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.

The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.

"What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.

"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume."

 

[PlumbBobBob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

never saw that one coming lol. neither did Mr. wilson

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My ex wife is suffering from depression

She phoned me the other day and said

"I feel like jumping in front of a bus,and your not doing anything to help

So I sent her a Timetable​

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

What the Easter Bunny gets up to in his spare time.....

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]The Female Demerit System[/h]

[FONT=&quot]Here is a guide to the points system:

[/FONT]SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)​

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

Excellent!!!! LOL LOL

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold... 3kg. The length of a ***** is 3 x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb

 

[quality]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Women are like kfc's ...you start with the breasts,move onto the legs and finally all you're left with is a greasy bucket to stick your bone in

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

God visits a man,and tells him,he must give up smoking ,drinking and sex,in order to get to heaven. The man says he'll give it a try,3 weeks later,God visits the man again,and asks how he's getting on.
"well",says the man,"I've managed to give up the **** and booze,but the other day,the wife was bent over the freezer,and I just had to give her one from behind".
God says,"they don't like that sort of thing in heaven",the man replies,"they weren't too happy about it in Asda either!"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I watched superman in reverse last night... it seems to be about a man who flies around the world putting people into perilous situations, and then runs off and hides... What a pr**k

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

That special "relationship" between the UK and the USA has just come out of the closet........

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

German dwarf went to a prostitute. She thought he'll never manage it. It'll be easy money. Just before he started he put a big spring on each elbow and both knees and made passionate love to her for 4 hours non stop.
She asked him breathlessly " How did you manage that??"
And he said " Foursprung dwarftechnique".

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Going to bed the other night, i noticed people in my shed stealing things, i phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help, they said they would send someone over as soon as possible,i hung up, a minute later i rang again. "Hello!" i said, "i called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don't have to hurry now, because i've shot them, within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, i thought you said you'd shot them.??

To which i replied, i thought you said there was no one available...!!

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The System3 guide to Animal Welfare.....

 

[dontknowitall]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

rofl - major giggle!!! Excellent!!!

 

[mountainman]

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

TO THE PUB !!!!!!!!!

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Last one there buys them

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

......

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour



poor fella lol

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

this is funny!

Wife Insurance Inc - Finding you the RIGHT insurance policy!

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

this is funny!

Wife Insurance Inc - Finding you the RIGHT insurance policy!

Over 95% of men will experience changes in their wives at some stage, but only 3% will be able to afford, or tolerate, such changes. Sleep at night knowing that you and your family are safe, with 100% guaranteed Wife Insurance.

LOL, Brilliant Kay-Jay. I'm def going to get myself one of these policies!

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

i've just been e-mailed my 'new experiences policy'

'you've heard it before, thrice. this cover is designed for the gentleman who has heard absolutely everything that his wife has ever done, over and over again. new experience cover breathes life back into your conversations by paying for your wife to enjoy new and fulfilling adventures, such as a plane crash in the andes.'

love it!

other policies are **** funny too