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a monday pick me up contains adult humour

  • Thread starter Thread starter Barry98
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re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Adam and Eve had just made love, Eve said to Adam Iam just going to wash myself in the stream, dont do that said Adam, youl make the fish smell of fannys.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me.

"Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys" she sympathised "Is there anyone we can call?",

"No!" I wailed, "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different', I'm a failure",

"Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll get there in the end"

"Promise?" I sniffed,

"I promise." She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of Records, let's get those 27 smarties out from under your foreskin".
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

villa_tom said:
As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me.

"Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys" she sympathised "Is there anyone we can call?",

"No!" I wailed, "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different', I'm a failure",

"Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll get there in the end"

"Promise?" I sniffed,

"I promise." She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of Records, let's get those 27 smarties out from under your foreskin".
Click to expand...

I dunno why, but I just spat a mouthful of beer over the dog after reading that!..
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[TABLE="width: 100%"]
[TR]
[TD]How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

12.

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to cha [...]

Reveal the rest of this joke

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

12.

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My Polish wife is struggling to come to terms with the English language. The other night she said to me "Me be going out with friends tonight"





Smiling, I had to correct her





"No you're ****ing not!!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I got stopped by a policeman at 2 o clock this morning and he asked me "Where are you going at this time of night"

I said "I'm just on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and it's effects on the human body and the damage it can do to personal relationships"


He said "Really who gives lectures like that at this time of night?"

I said "The ****ing wife!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=3]Read Aloud For Best Effect!!![/h]The European Union commissioners have
announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred
language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year
phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In
the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil
servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced
with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one
less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of
the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.


By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan
be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find
it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

thought i was going dizlektik!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day. there was a spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we lay together makeing love i thought to my self these ****ing tazers are well worth the money!!!
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

"And what will the lovely lady be having?" asked the waiter whilst my wife was in the toilet. "I dont know"I replied, "probably a dump!!!"
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Being the kind gentleman I am, I'll always open a door for a woman. Although, my gesture is never taken on a polite note and I still have to struggle as I throw them into the back of my van.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...!!!


The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn?t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Glasgow . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn?t see

anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.




He still has some difficulty when he pees. :nono:
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

There's yer problem luv!! clogged sink.jpg
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I've done my chores for the day...just filled the dishwasher.
Or 'made love', as she calls it.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I bumped into an old friend who asked how I was keeping since the last time he seen me.
"Well, the debts are still piling up if I'm honest Terry" I replied
He said "You know what's responsible, don't you?" "Alcohol and gambling!"
Thanks for being so understanding mate, you're the first person to say it wasn't my fault" I replied
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

My new girlfriend said I have to wait 6 months before she'll go down on me. I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call then.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

scientists have found that many women develop "hoover disease" after yrs of marriage they begin to make a continuous whining noise but dont suck anymore
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

David Attenborough is walking through the jungle when he comes to a clearing. In the middle of the clearing is a dead elephant with a Pygmy stood on top of it.
So David goes over to the Pygmy and asks "did you kill the elephant" the Pygmy says "yes", so David asks "how did you kill it?", the Pygmy replies "I beat it to death with my club" David surprised says "that must be a big club", "Well there's about 150 of us" replied the Pygmy.
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]Google Maps[/h]
1-Open Google Maps(driving directions
2-Type China as your starting point
3-Type Taiwan as your destination
4-Read step 48


smile.png
 
re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[h=2]I found it ....... I finally found it ...‏[/h]
I found it...
And you thought there was no
such place, huh????
.
.
.
.
attachment.php




.
.You should all be so pleased to receive this........
How many times have we been up there without one!​
 
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