a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

a BBC reporter was in my High street wishing to interview unemployed people affected by the budget's proposed cut in benefit payments.
She stopped and asked a man passing by who said, "sorrry, I am just off to visit a client for my company, no good asking me"
She stopped a woman who said "sorry, I'm late for work, gotta be there in 5 mins, no good asking me"
She stopped another man who said "Just off to Nat West to bank this weeks takings for my firm, no good asking me"
Where are all the benefit claimants? the reporter asked. The man checked his watch and said, its 11 O'Clock, best try the pub.

thats not funny that's the truth

 

[SafeGasInstall]

This morning, I spent an hour digging out the car because of the snow. I then spent a further hour digging the road clear to get my car out of the street. On getting onto the street, my car broke down, so I abandoned it and walked the seven miles to work.

At one point I had to take shelter in a bus stop as the blizzards were that bad they were forcing me back, but I still pushed on. Finally, two hours late I arrived for work, to be greeted by my boss.

"Bloody hell Dave, I'm surprised you're here. I wouldn't have minded if you didn't come in with all this snow" he said.

"Well" I said, "My wife made me come in."

"Really?" he asked. "What did she say?"

"Don't bother going to work, we can spend all day in bed."

on a Sunday :_

 

[kay-jay]

My wife was changing a plug. I stood behind her and at the perfect moment I pulled a party popper. She collapsed in shock and I took her to casualty. When she came to, I said, "Don't you EVER ****ing well say I never surprise you or take you anywhere again."

 

[Dotty]

Saw this. thought of you lot!

[video=youtube;Fuj1aKxET8Y]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fuj1aKxET8Y[/video]

 

[SimonG]

A few jokes, but it might be like Sky and be full of repeats.

I Went out last night, and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird, who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!!

The wife's back on the warpath again, Last night she was up for making a "home movie" and all I did, was suggest that we should hold auditions for her part!!

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next dump could spell disaster.

My stunning sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault, I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, to heck with it, I'll soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked; I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered that 'A & W' serves breakfast until 11.30.

A man is seeking to join the Birmingham Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take, before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night. It took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

 

[dancinplumba]

you been listening to Jeremy vines brother ?

 

[SimonG]

you been listening to Jeremy vines brother ?

One of the pool team mailed them across.

 

[Dotty]

The sober one? Thank all that's holy you don't let him drink!

 

[Howsie]

Boy: "Give me a blowjob."
Girl: "Can you be more romantic?"
Boy: "Give me a blowjob next to a candle."

 

[villa_tom]

A Scottish man is sitting next to his date in a pub and takes her hand and puts it up his kilt.


The woman is horrified and shouts, 'errrrrr that's gruesome!'


The man replies, 'if you put it up there again it'll gruesome more'.

 

[CES]

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some ***** on the back of your jacket.""I'm sure it's not *****," she said, "It's probably yoghurt.""It's definitely *****," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

 

[villa_tom]

They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today.


Somebody came in speaking English.

 

[Ray Stafford]

My kids text me "plz" because its shorter than spelling out "please". Apparently everyone does it and I should "get with the times".

I thought would give it a go, so now I answer "no" because its shorter than "yes".

 

[CES]

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !
Sex with a transvestite -confused.com !

 

[turnpin]

fella go'es into an old pub says pint of your best ale and where is the toilet ..across the yard at the back so he dashe's off to use it and is straight back quick he says call the police there are three men in there committing homosexual acts ...was there a tall one with dark hair in the middle ...yes he replies ....lucky ******* has won the toss again........regards turnpin

 

[Guest123]

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Major Outbreak Of ****s! - YouTube

 

[chris watkins]

So, Colin would you care to tell us how you stumbled across that one, what was it you were searching for ?? :smug:

 

[Guest123]

So, Colin would you care to tell us how you stumbled across that one, what was it you were searching for ?? :smug:

I know you won't believe me LOL, but I was searching for a brilliiant sci-fi documentary that was on the Discovery Channel in 2005 called Alien Planet!

 

[chris watkins]

You are right, I don't !! you will have to do better than that. LOL

 

[Leo21]

Iff only. I would love to be part of the clean up crew. Mind you or looks like a Saturday night in Bedworth.

 

[peteheat]

[video=youtube;s1AoSTPKpPs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1AoSTPKpPs[/video]

 

[peteheat]

[video=youtube;wWulZOKANB4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWulZOKANB4[/video]

 

[SimonG]

Daft sods

Mais Marradas 5 Estrelas - YouTube

 

[SafeGasInstall]

this is sick ....i only lated watching it 39sec

 

[SimonG]

I didn't watch it all. There must have been some really bad injuries.