a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

The wife lost a tooth last night while eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
To be fair I did actually warn her not to keep rustling the packet while the rugby was on.

 

[Howsie]

**** gives young people an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

 

[Howsie]

Ffs

p orn

 

[kay-jay]

 

[CES]

"Right children" said the teacher, "I want you to use the word 'area' in a sentence."

Little Chloe said. "In maths, length times width equals area."

"Excellent. Next one please Tommy."

"Every day, an area the size of Wales is destroyed in the rainforest" said Tommy.

"Very good. Last one, Johnny, your turn."

Johnny said. "Since my sister turned 13, 'er fanny's got much area."

 

[turnpin]

An old widow bought a pair of love birds for company after her hubby died she went back to the pet shop to ask how to identify the male from the female ....slip down early in the morning and catch the bird on top and slide this white ring over his head so off she went and carried out this task ... the following day the vicar called to see how the old dear was coping I`ll just put the kettle on she said as the vicar said how nice it was for her to have the birds for company "What a lovely pair of birds you are" said the vicar to which the male replied " what did they catch you at it as well mate"....regards turnpin:lol:

 

[Dotty]

Croppie is lying up in bed watching Babestation, He phones the number at the bottom of the screen & the Babe says "Hello sexy & what can i do for you tonight?", croppie replies "Do you see that sofa you're lying on" 'Yes' she replies, croppie says "you wouldn't jump over the back of it & hide" "Sure sexy. But why", She says. Croppie replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs & i can't find the fvcking remote !!!

I did that one ages ago you cheat!

 

[Howsie]

Richard III has finally been declared "1485 Hide 'n Seek Champion"

 

[turnpin]

An old boy went into the pet shop..tin of kit-e-kat please I didn't know you had a cat Mr Brown said the pet shop owner I don't it's for the Wife's tea ..you can't give her that it might kill her ...no she love's it.....few day's later he's back all dressed in black..someone die..yes the Wife ...I tried to warn you that the cat food would kill her....no it wasn't the cat food it was when she turned round to lick her rse that she broke her neck! regards turnpin:hurray:

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

:63:friendly gods country welcome

 

[Howsie]

 

[CES]

I met my new girlfriends parents last night,, her dad took me to one side and said.... "if you ever hurt her, you'll have me to answer to"......
"that's highly unlikely, don't worry" i said,,,
"she has an ersehole like a hippos yawn"

 

[Howsie]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

found him

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Richard III won't be the last bloke to have his face reconstructed after leaving a pub car park in Leicester.

 

[Howsie]

Put your GPS on full volume for your daily drive if you want to know what marriage is like.

 

[Howsie]

Valentines Day:

Dinner: £70

Drinks: £50

Taxi: £20

Hotel: £300

The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period.. PRICELESS

The look on her face when you shove it up her bottom... EPIC

 

[Leo21]

A man was sipping a beer, whilst sitting on a balcony with his wife and he says," I love you and I don't know how I could ever live without you"


the wife says," is that you or the beer talking"



"No" he says," that's me talking to my beer"

 

[Dotty]

My girlfriend was moaning at me earlier, she said:

"You treat me like a child, I bloody hate you."

"How dare you" I shouted, "you know there's no talking when you're sat on the naughty step."

 

[Dotty]

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

 

[Dotty]

Every time I make a new friend. They seem to figure out a way to escape from my basement.

 

[kay-jay]

I just bought the missus a bra made from sheepdog fur. Will it keep my **** warm she asked.
No but it will round them up and point them in the right direction

 

[turnpin]

The Mrs annoyed me last night I was in the bath and she came in and accused me of playing with myself so I told her it's mine and I'll wash it as fast as I like.....regards turnpin:30:

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

definition off a ****tard,what life they ruining exactly,fat useless lazy ********[video]http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=16d_1360207171[/video]

 

[Dotty]

definition off a ****tard,what life they ruining exactly,fat useless lazy ********[video]http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=16d_1360207171[/video]

That boy needs dragged out of the house by his fine and wispy beard.