a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[peteheat]

definition off a ****tard,what life they ruining exactly,fat useless lazy ********[video]http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=16d_1360207171[/video]

Just watch this every time you think you had an awkward customer :66:

No wonder those games are expensive, customer service staff must be paid more than heating engineers :confused5:

 

[kay-jay]

definition off a ****tard,what life they ruining exactly,fat useless lazy ********[video]http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=16d_1360207171[/video]

Eric cartman grown up....

 

[julesverne]

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

 

[julesverne]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.


'How was he killed?' asked one detective.


'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.


'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'



'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

 

[Howsie]

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

 

[Howsie]

Latest news in the contaminated food scandal, scientists have found human DNA in a Welsh lamb.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Latest news in the contaminated food scandal, scientists have found human DNA in a Welsh lamb.

bet you wish you had not eaten it now

 

[erpkid]

That boy needs dragged out of the house by his fine and wispy beard.

Then slapped a lot.....millions of years of evolution leading to this......why do we bother?

 

[dancinplumba]

haha pmsl

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

yes its a engineer

 

[turnpin]

News just in ...a man was arrested earlier today and was charged with shagging a pig ...when asked how the man was caught ...the detective in charge said ''the pig squeeled on him ''...regards turnpin

 

[Howsie]

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my *****, you know what that means?"

I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

 

[Howsie]

Why do Findus put lots of cheese in their lasagnes?

To mascarpony.

 

[Resolute]

 

[Dotty]

Villa Tom took a girl back to his house for sex last night.

After going upstairs, he slowly removed his clothes and climbed under the quilt.

"You'll have to be really quiet," he whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."

"I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"

 

[Dotty]

My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.

After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my wee and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.

So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

 

[Dotty]

The wife caught me wanking and said "Who are you thinking about when you feel the need to do THAT?"

I lied and said "Jennifer Aniston"

Now she hates Jennifer Aniston.

I guess it's better than her hating her 18 year old sister

 

[Dotty]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Wonderful!"

Being the 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the hell, I'll treat her."

... So they walked past it again.

 

[Dotty]

I was hit hard when I found out about the death of my mother-in-law.

My wife slapped me for giggling.

 

[dancinplumba]

a System3 supporter ? xx

 

[villa_tom]

Just bought a cucumber from Tesco.


Turns out it's a horse's cock.

 

[villa_tom]

Never mind horses in lasagne,


I think I've found Heather Mills missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages.

 

[Howsie]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Don't Fart in Harrods
A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a
cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a
professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"