a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[dancinplumba]

gis a job

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

so true

 

[kay-jay]

more problems for tesco this morning as it is revealed that traces of wheelchair have been found in the vegetable soup!

 

[Keefy]

I was just thinking, today is Valentines Day. I was also thinking my pillow over the missus' face for 10 minutes would save me a trip to the shop to buy a card.

 

[Barry98]

Lmao.

 

[SimonG]

Just heard about oscar pistorius shooting his girl friend dead. From the way the news was portraying it, I don't think he's hot a leg to stand on.

 

[SimonG]

Flaming recession.

Even God is having to make cutbacks.

 

[SimonG]

Paddy and Murphy are in the pub and Paddy turns to Murphy, 'Did you see the news earlier? Three cliff walkers died this morning'. 'Get away with ya Paddy, three people with the same name all died this morning!'

 

[Resolute]

Roses are Red,
Violets are glorious,
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorious!

 

[Keefy]

Just heard about oscar pistorius shooting his girl friend dead. From the way the news was portraying it, I don't think he's hot a leg to stand on.

The police initially thought he was running around with two blades but turns out he had a gun.

 

[Dotty]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You bought me shoes
I'm going to shoot you pig

A poem by oscar pistorius

 

[gavinwilson]

What's blue and full of haribo?


Kevin Webster's overalls.

 

[SimonG]

Whats black and bushy and found down schoolgirls knickers?

Kevin Websters moustache.

 

[Dotty]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't.

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

 

[dancinplumba]

A sweet tale

 

[Howsie]

My wife called me a freak for being so obsessed with blow jobs.

Boy did I give her a mouthful.

 

[Howsie]

Breaking News: Asteroid collides with news satellite

 

[Howsie]

My mrs is marvellous. She deserves an Oscar.

 

[turnpin]

A small guy is put in prison and finds he is to share a cell with the biggest ugliest con you have ever seen ....I'm the Daddy of this wing but I'm fair tell you what I'm going for a pee and when I come back we will have a game of mummy's and Daddy's and to show you how fair I am you can choose who you want to be ...the small guy decides to be the Daddy I'm not going to have him stuck up me he think's to himself ..just then the con returned ..well what's it to be..I'll be the Daddy..o.k get over here and suck mummy's dick....regards turnpin

 

[Dotty]

What's the difference between a woman and a goat?




Quite a lot according to the judge.

 

[Barry98]

oscar pistorius has bee released without charge , over the shooting his girl friend new evidence has come to light proving it couldn't possibly of been him

a police spokesmen statement read found at the scene "footprints"

 

[Keefy]

oscar pistorius has bee released without charge , over the shooting his girl friend new evidence has come to light proving it couldn't possibly of been him

a police spokesmen statement read found at the scene "footprints"

Columbo would solve this case.

 

[Barry98]

Collection only

 

[Howsie]

I managed to make my wife squirt last night.

I reversed over her in my van.

 

[Howsie]

New revelations in the Oscar Pistorius case. Police found a cricket bat covered in blood on the scene!

And a pair of stumps.