a monday pick me up contains adult humour | Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board | Page 86 | Plumbers Forums

Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws

a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Post thread
  • Thread starter Barry98
  • Start date
  • Replies 3K
  • Views 68K

Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at Plumbers Forums

Status
Not open for further replies.
I love running away just after sex.

I'm now banned from the red light area in Amsterdam.
 
My kids are at that awkward age at the moment.

Too old to be cute and too young to kick out of the ****ing house.
 
Actually a true story this:

I was in the lift earlier on my way to the pub for a few scoops and a 6' 2" Chinese girl (might have been a man) got in on the 3rd floor. Her right nipple - big brown thing, was popping out of her skimpy top and with the lift being really small, was about 2 inches from my face.

She was a minger.
 
Not so much humorous, more thought provoking!

utydynup.jpg
 
An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?”
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me into there;”
“He removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long"
 
" G'day mate, Fosters Helpline .....
What's the problem mate?"


" Hi Guys, Im in Australia with the girl friend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet,
and now her Fanny has completely closed up"


"Bummer Mate....."


"Thanks Guys, that's what I thought too.
Bye..."
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
I don't think it's fair that Babestation are only allowed to show boobs late at night: BBC Parliament are allowed to show knobs all day.




"Every time I see you, you have a beer can in your hand. Are you becoming an alcoholic?!" screamed the missus.


I just told her yes, because it was much easier than admitting to her that last week my mate Dave dared me to glue it to my hand just to see what would happen.






"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.


"I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short."


"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.


"You ask nicely," I said.
 
BOD said:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Click to expand...
Classic ....Turnpin
 
[h=5]Retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to docks once more for old times sake.He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's going at it as best he can for a guy his age.

The old sailor asks "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies "Well Sailor you're doingabout 3 knots."

"3 knots?" he replies, "Whats that supposed to mean?"

She says "Your knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your f**kin money back"[/h]
 
[h=5]A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

'Not a chance' says the husband 'It's three o'clock in the morning!' He closes the door and returns to bed.

'Who was it?' asks his wife.

'Just a stranger asking for a push' he answers.

'Did you help him? she asks.

'No I didn't, it's three in the morning'

'Well you've got a short memory' says his wife, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.'

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes', comes the answer.

'Do you still want a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband

'Over here on the swing' the man replies.[/h]
 
New posts
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar plumbing topics

W
Worcester Boiler on the Blink... Literally! All Lights Flashing
pcb issue so gas safe engy required sorry to say
Replies
1
Views
769
ShaunCorbs
ShaunCorbs
A
Boiler short cycling CH
So you don’t have any of the blending valves /...
Replies
3
Views
2K
ShaunCorbs
ShaunCorbs
U
My first experience with CheckATrade
Bit late to the show but I would have beeen...
Replies
2
Views
855
Bogart
Bogart
M
Thermostat Not Dropping Quickly Enough
Based on the information in post #1, my guess...
Replies
4
Views
1K
Chuck
C
T
Is my circulation pump failing or my boiler control?
No I do not. Second to that I don’t even have...
Replies
3
Views
1K
thebigsleep
T
Back
Top