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Was sitting at the computer earlier and Mrs Croppie says to me "What you doing?"
"Looking for cheap flights." I replied.
She gave me a massive kiss and a cuddle and says I'm the best husband in the world.







Strange really, ........ She's never shown any interest in darts before!
 
ImageUploadedByTapatalk1373738969.929599.jpg
 
My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it.

No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.
 
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
 
A woman was in Hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off bananas"
 
I find it ironic that to close **** videos on my phone I have to press the "done" button.


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My doctor encouraged me to ********** more often.

Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time.


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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
 
My premature ejaculation problem is getting out of hand.

I've never managed to finish typing 'p0rnhub''.


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A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from

the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer

answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him

the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer

golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer,
I would but im a Catholic Priest ina rather small Parish
 
[h=5]A young ventriloquist is touring around the countryside. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype us blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this buddy! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!![/h]
 
[h=5]I've been playing a few pranks on the missus recently. Last night I replaced her sleeping tablets with laxatives just before we got into bed.

Unfortunately it back fired on me.[/h]
 
Me and the wife were enjoying a steamy shower together last night:

"Your **** look great all soapy and warm."

"Stop taking the **** or I'm getting out" I replied
 
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