Welcome to the forum. Although you can post in any forum, the USA forum is here in case of local regs or laws
Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at Plumbers Forums
- Status
J
julesverne
i wouldnt mind licking her lips
M
Masood
B
Barry98
Am measuring my tongue
B
Billy Bob Bob
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
...
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything .
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --
'THE TEETH.'
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
...
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything .
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --
'THE TEETH.'
B
Billy Bob Bob
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
B
Billy Bob Bob
Cornish 3 Kick Rule
An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes
in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half
An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes
in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half
B
Barry98
The Reverend John Flapps!
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland... One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland... One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
B
Barry98
I took my dog to the dole office to see what he was entitled to. The bloke behind the counter said "You idiot, we don't give benefits to dogs". So l argued "Why not, he's brown, he stinks, he's never worked a day in his life, and he can't speak a word of English". The man replied "His first payment will be Monday"
B
Barry98
If offended I'm happy to remove
B
Barry98
Or did you mean I'd offended the dog ?
B
Barry98
You mean if I were to say god made everyone different but got tired when he got to china ? That sort of thing
P
PlumbBobBob
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco buying a large bag of Purina Dog Food for my loyal pet, Bailey, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Tesco will not let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Tesco will not let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
This Jumbo landing looks real to me although those in the aviation industry tell me its fake because of the lack landing lights. You decide.
http://youtu.be/zesYzbCL3zw
http://youtu.be/zesYzbCL3zw
D
Dotty
The 3 stages of Man.
1. Drinking from boobs
2. Staring at boobs
3. Growing boobs.
1. Drinking from boobs
2. Staring at boobs
3. Growing boobs.
- Messages
- 8,572
not once many many times , and when I tell her where she is doing wrong , I end up been wrong ! cant help women specially when is about there driving
- Messages
- 9,306
Your a true modern man Stan.
D
Dotty
Murray wins Wimbledon
Can you imagine the celebrations in Scotland?
I bet they've been through more tenants than Fred West.
Can you imagine the celebrations in Scotland?
I bet they've been through more tenants than Fred West.
J
julesverne
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
J
julesverne
oh dear i think i've been watching too much of the big bang theory
- Status
Similar plumbing topics
pcb issue so gas safe engy required sorry to say
- Worcester Boiler broken
- Boilers
- 1
- 769
- Latest:
- ShaunCorbs
So you don’t have any of the blending valves /...
- AnthonyG
- Boilers
- 3
- 2K
- Latest:
- ShaunCorbs
Bit late to the show but I would have beeen...
- UserSteve
- Gaining Plumbing Experience
- 2
- 855
- Latest:
- Bogart
Based on the information in post #1, my guess...
- Mark777
- Central Heating Forum
- 4
- 1K
- Latest:
- Chuck
No I do not. Second to that I don’t even have...
- thebigsleep
- Boilers
- 3
- 1K
- Latest:
- thebigsleep