a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Howsie]

My wife and I seem to have different views on why are sex life has fizzled.

For instance, she bought me ****** and I bought her a gym membership.

 

[Dotty]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, so she did.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."

 

[Dotty]

I was in a bar with my mate Dave last night when we noticed a group of fit girls sat in the corner.

So, without any hesitation at all, we started dancing near them.

After about 10 minutes I wiped the sweat off my forehead and said, "Dave, I don't think this is working."

"Me neither," he replied breathlessly, "Perhaps we could do with some music."

 

[turnpin]

Paddy go's to a brothel keen to try 69 what his workmates keep going on about after a minute the brass lets out a small fart sorry about that and they continue a few minutes later she does the same thats it I'm off he roars ....why so Paddy ...I can't be doing with another 67 of those....... regards Turnpin

 

[Dotty]

Real Men Eye Test.

You have two minutes to spot the dinosaur

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Real Men Eye Test.

You have two minutes to spot the dinosaur

View attachment 14362

are you seeing things? theres no dinosaur in there just a couple puppies

 

[turnpin]

I'd like the one with pink nose....lol Regards Turnpin [dinosaur what dinosaur?]:wink:

 

[Leo21]

I can't even see what colour her hair is!

 

[Dotty]

I can't even see what colour her hair is!

I didn't know she had a head!

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Reg Man]

Real Men Eye Test.

You have two minutes to spot the dinosaur

View attachment 14362

Boobysauras

 

[tamz]

A father was passing by his son's bedroom was surprised to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up and tidy. Then he noticed an envelope sitting on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' Fearing the worst he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I've eloped with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and my mum. I am in love with Stacy and she is so nice but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and also the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only because i love her with a passion...Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy together and will get by ok.
She has a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad, I might only still be 15 but I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son
Johnny

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Bill's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the exam results that are in my desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[tamz]

Two old women were sitting outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the old dears pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any chemists."

The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms.
The guy looked at the 80 year old and thought it strange but politely asked what brand she would like.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel!"

 

[Reg Man]

1 1 was a race horse 2 2 was 1 2 1 1 1 1 race 2 2 1 1 2

 

[chris watkins]

1 1 was a race horse 2 2 was 1 2 1 1 1 1 race 2 2 1 1 2

If you say so Reg, BTW RU 12 ?

 

[Reg Man]

To much time on ones hands.

 

[Barry98]

The police pulled over a car being driven by a black male aged about 21. He had full tax, insurance & MOT, wasn't driving erratically or under the influence of drink or drugs.. There were no firearms or offensive weapons in the car and the car wasn't stolen.

They fined him £60 for wasting police time

 

[Barry98]

someone wasn't thinking

 

[kay-jay]

Hippo Mega Fart - YouTube

 

[kay-jay]

https://www.************/photo.php?v=434548286661353&set=vb.306430396123877&type=2&theater

 

[kay-jay]

https://www.************/photo.php?v=1376147259281380&set=vb.306430396123877&type=2&theater

 

[Dotty]

Speed Dating for the Welsh

 

[Barry98]

I've had that pic saved waiting for e right time you spoil sport

 

[Howsie]

 

[Howsie]

http://youtu.be/xrrpMaN1Bx0