a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Subject: The Wine taster


[FONT=&amp] At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.​

[FONT=&amp]A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.​

[FONT=&amp]The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]
He gave him a glass to drink.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The drunk tried it and said:[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]"That's correct", said the boss.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]Another glass....[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]"Correct." [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]A third glass...[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp] ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The director was astonished.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The alcoholic tried it. [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."[/FONT]





​

[/FONT]
[/FONT]

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.


"Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..."


"Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!"


I smiled back.


"Condoms?" she said.


"No," I said.


"Suppositories?" she said.


"No," I said.


"Tampons?"


"No."


"Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile.


"Paracetamol," I said.


"Paracetamol?" she said with a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?"


Then I pulled out my little pink purse.

 

[Dotty]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.
As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern french lady asked if he had been to paris before.
He admitted he had indeed been previously. The lady sarcastically said "Then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir."
The gentleman said "I didn't have to show it last time."
"Impossible!!" The women said, "You British have always had to show your passports to get through here."
The man responded by whispering, "Well, when I came ashore on the beach on D Day in 1944, i couldn't find any sodding frenchmen to give it to!!"

 

[Masood]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

This is a real anti-drinking poster...





Yeah, like that's a real incentive to stop!

 

[Masood]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Geordie eye test...

 

[Masood]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Engineering flowchart - print out and keep in the van!

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

It all makes sense now…
Dilbert’s “Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.
Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work / Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

 

[kay-jay]

This is a real anti-drinking poster...


View attachment 8727


Yeah, like that's a real incentive to stop!

No it isn't. Id have whiskey on me cornflakes if it kept me away from those munters. Although after a few they may look more appealing to be fair

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[mountainman]

It'd take more than a few IMO.

 

[zeebeedee]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

The camera never lies!

 

[zeebeedee]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Wrong picture ill try again!

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

.....

 

[tamz]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

This is a real anti-drinking poster...


View attachment 8727


Yeah, like that's a real incentive to stop!

The band of hope outing :lol:

 

[kay-jay]

The band of hope outing :lol:

The Scottish bird tour of England!

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[tamz]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Nah. Even the dugs up here are shaggable if you have enough beer Much the same abroad in Englandshire :wink:

 

[kay-jay]

Nah. Even the dugs up here are shaggable if you have enough beer Much the same abroad in Englandshire :wink:

Aye but some of ours are doable sober

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[tamz]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Aye but some of ours are doable sober

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Thats an odds thing. Work it out for yourself :lol:

 

[peteheat]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

This is a real anti-drinking poster...


View attachment 8727


Yeah, like that's a real incentive to stop!

I'm going back on the drink, anyone coming with me?

 

[Dotty]

I'm going back on the drink, anyone coming with me?

I'm never off it!

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Some kids stopped me out side the shop earlier and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond?"


"Sure I will." I replied taking their money.


On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A Yorkshire suit maker was jailed for five years yesterday.


He got caught selling t'weed.

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

"Go and have a look at the s**t ive just done in the bathroom" I said to my wife"

"No thanks" she replied.

"Please, just one quick look" I said "You wont believe it".

She pinched her nose ran in looked down the toilet and said "Theres nothing down there, you must have flushed it"

I said "Its on the scales"

 

[Plum Bob 66]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

"Go and have a look at the size of the s**t ive just done in the bathroom" I said to my wife"

"No thanks" she replied.

"Please, just one quick look" I said "You wont believe it".

She pinched her nose ran in looked down the toilet and said "Theres nothing down there, you must have flushed it"

I said "Its on the scales"

Read more: http://www.ukplumbersforums.co.uk/plumbers-arms/21358-monday-pick-me-up-54.html#ixzz2Bvjprlmm

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Thief

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."