a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A man rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The man did not hesitate. he said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries
to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "man, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years..
I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right woman. You know, one that's considerate
and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't
nag all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good woman."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

last night I reached for my liquid ****** and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers .......
so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Sue

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and 'Then I saw her face'
...
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Sal vation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes
to go to!'

I was sitting in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a
prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off
a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

 

[julesverne]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour



i'm going to hell

 

[Barry98]

Right had a text this morning moaning member struggling to READ my jokes so he's some pics to help you out , no name

 

[Barry98]

Hope this helps

 

[Barry98]

More later

 

[kay-jay]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[DLMURL="http://www.virginmedia.com/funny-videos/video/jump-from-tree-ends-in-broken-trust/1939053985001/"]Funniest Animal Clips and Bloopers - Video - Funny-videos - Virgin Media[/DLMURL]

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise......

 

[Leo21]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Sheet system that funny though.

 

[Leo21]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Meant. Sheez system that's orrible.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise......

Thats the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Go to your room Colin, go to your room.

 

[Masood]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

View attachment 8801

i'm going to hell

Stolen and shared!

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

..........
p

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

least gasman made money on the modelling job for it

 

[Barry98]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

im still waiting for my cheques but all mr doberman says is "there in the post"

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

least gasman made money on the modelling job for it

looks nowt like me:smilielol5:

 

[julesverne]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

what do peter andre and abu qutada have in common.

they wont be entering Jordan anytime soon

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Not about the death of our illustrious leader at all.......

 

[Guest123]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

A wee bit of marriage guidance.......

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I lost the tie-breaker question at my local pub quiz last night. Can any of you lot help with the answer?....

Who am I?
"I was all over the tv in the 70s and 80s, but have completely been irrelevant for the past 25 years. I am closely linked with the music of the 60s, and I'm famous for wearing tacky, shiney tracksuits. I have been in trouble with the police, and am completely despised by the whole country."

Apparently, the answer was not "Liverpool fans."

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

Dear Noel Edmonds,
Give me £100k or I will say that you wanked me off on Swapshop. Deal or no deal?

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I went to a really trendy nightclub in town.

The doorman said, "Sorry mate, you've had too many"

I said, "Drinks?"

He said, "Birthdays."

 

[CES]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I went to the Job centre earlier, to see if they had anything for me.

The girl said, 'We have a few positions in data entry.'

'Sorry,' I replied, 'but I can't use a computer'

'You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Are you mentally handicapped?'

'No,' I replied, 'but it's one of my bail conditions.'

 

[villa_tom]

re: a monday pick me up contains adult humour

I ejaculated over four meters this morning.


One day a customer will catch me and I'll probably lose my job at British Gas.