a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her Husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling" he says "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

 

[Barry98]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.


The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.


This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[Dotty]

A little boy came up to me earlier and asked "What's your favourite Telly Tubby?"

I said "The Sony Bravia with a 52 inch screen, you cheeky little sod."

 

[Dotty]

lolol

 

[Barry98]

Ooo yes

 

[Dotty]

Here's a warning to those living in Northern Ireland.... Last Saturday I was about to park my car outside Tesco in Portadown when I was approached by two young women asking if I wanted my car washed. They were both very easy on the eye so I agreed. They then proceeded to wash my car in a rather seductive manner if you can believe that, making sure that I saw them rubbing themselves all over the car body while they were allegedly cleaning the car. Before I could stop them they they jumped into my back seat and started kissing each other and rubbing each other rather sensually. I thought I've had enough of this and chased them out of the car - it was only when I got home that I discovered that my wallet had been stolen, which contained rather a lot of money. I reported the matter to the police, but since then I've now had my wallet stolen last Monday, Wednesday and again earlier today.

 

[CES]

[video=facebook;566135560070699]https://www.************/video/video.php?v=566135560070699[/video]

Funny (if this link works)

 

[mikegas]

Scariest Elevator Prank Ever (Video) : theCHIVE

 

[Barry98]

just seen that on facebook , caracker

 

[SafeGasInstall]

Scariest Elevator Prank Ever (Video) : theCHIVE

nicked it

 

[Barry98]

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.


He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.


He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"


She says, "It's me lower mouth."


He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"


She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth.


It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."


He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"


She says, "Not yet. . ."
________________________________________


A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.


Her mom said, "It's very easy!


Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?'


That'll scare them off."


So off she went.


After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.


She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"


The boy found some excuse and disappeared.


Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.


Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.


After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"


He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.


He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.


After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said,


"If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!

 

[Barry98]

englishman scotsman and irishman inthe psycologists. the psycologist asks englishman "whats the opposite of happy?" englishman replies " er sad" psycologist replies "well done" he then asks the scotsman "whats the opposite of calm?" scotsman replies " er agitated " psycologist replies "well done" he then asks the irshman "whats the opposite of woe ?" to which the irishman replies " giddy up"


Sorry crop that's so you

 

[Dotty]

being a sensible Englishman?

 

[CES]

Beware the wrinklies!..

 

[Plum Bob 66]

Irish Hospitality

[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times[/FONT][FONT=&quot].”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Plum Bob 66]

[FONT=&quot]I)I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning![/FONT] [FONT=&quot]* The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name is Kathy. [/FONT] [FONT=&quot]* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 60. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. [/FONT] [FONT=&quot]2) My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]3) The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]4) I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." 5)My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] * The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.[/FONT]

​

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[JCplumb]

An Oldie But Goldie

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes
him as real Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg,
he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo
is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his ***** he has
a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!

It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

 

[Dotty]

IRISH SCRABBLE...
Please rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect...

"P N E S I"

The people who wrote "SPINE" became Doctors...

The rest joined this forum........

 

[Dotty]

[h=5]I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my bum.

The doctor said, "How did this happen?"

I said, "Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine..."

He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?"

I said, "No ... my wife was home".
[/h]

 

[Dotty]

I said to my mate, "I bought my wife a pair of diamond earrings last month and she hasn't spoken to me since."

"Why not?" he asked.

"That was part of the deal."

 

[Howsie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anf2qEjec3U&sns=em

Made me chuckle.

 

[Resolute]

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=dtXFThyr764&desktop_uri=/watch?v=dtXFThyr764&gl=GB

 

[Leo21]

What a spoon, very funny. Would have love to see a copy of his insurance claim form.

 

[mikegas]

The Ultimate Fails Compilation

 

[Dotty]

[h=5]On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!"

[/h]