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Discuss a monday pick me up contains adult humour in the Plumbing Jobs | The Job-board area at Plumbers Forums

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[h=5]I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling their ****.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."
[/h]
 
[h=5]My son said, "Dad, I don't think I'll ever get a girlfriend."

I said, "Don't be silly, of course you will. You've just got to be patient and wait for hell to freeze over you ginger turd."[/h]
 
[h=5]My next door neighbour caught me using his broadband.

"It's your own fault," I said. "You should have a password on it."

"Never mind that," he shouted. "Get the f*** out of my house!"[/h]
 
......... xmastwat.jpg
 
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."


"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"


"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
 
The other night my wife asked me how many woman id slept with.I told her "Only you.All the others kept me awake shaggin all night!".
My missus packed my bags & as I walked out the front door door she screamed, "I wish you a slow & painful death you *******! "Oh" I replied, "So you want me to f*****g stay now !"
 
I have two young children who still believe in Father Christmas. What I hate more than anything, after working hard all year and getting myself into a tonne of **** buying them all their presents, is that the fat git with the beard gets all the credit on Christmas morning.


Though I guess it's my fault for marrying her
 
Lady: do you smoke?
Man: yes
Lady: how many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: how much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: and how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: so 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: correct
Lady: if in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: correct
Lady: do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: do you smoke?
Lady: no
Man: where's your Ferrari then?
 
My christmas tree keeps singing 'Born in the USA'.

It must be a spruce springsteen.
 
Reading inbetween the lines, and using my deductive powers id say you don't like the brucemeister.
 
Reading inbetween the lines, and using my deductive powers id say you don't like the brucemeister.

He couldn't carry a tune if it had handles. This time of year makes it worse because that 'Santa Claus is coming to town' track he slaughters is played virtually nonstop. And I Hate It!
 
A husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


...
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!
 
A job for the good lady on friday morning :smile:
Would not make to many plans Tamz looks like you could be snowed in for the weekend ! 1/4" reeked havoc in Essex this morning (M.Man was happy) don't you just love England in the winter, LOL
 
Had a bit snow up here since friday (or was it thursday? every day is the same).
Won't bother me chris. I've got a landrover too and if it gets really deep i'll pull the quad out :lol:
 
I am going to rewrite history -------------------------------------history
 
I took my wife to a disco at the weekend .There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. Th wife said, " See that guy ? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down, " I said, "looks like like hes still f******g celebrating !"
 
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