a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Guest123]

If this offends anyone pm me and I will remove it

Ha, ha, Bod, good one.

The names Bond, Liz Bond.

 

[PlumbBobBob]

Moment of weakness won't happen again lol

until next time lol

 

[Doodlebug]

My smartphone fits perfectly in one of those sandwich bags.


Finally I can have a decent wank in the shower.

 

[Doodlebug]

Ladbrokes must be ****ting themselves right now.


If Des O'Connor is next, I've landed a 7 paedo accumulator.

 

[Doodlebug]

I left 3 notes scattered around the house earlier for my girlfriend.
They said "Will", "you" and "me".
That'll keep her busy whilst I watch the football.

 

[TomLane]

 

[Doodlebug]

It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

 

[Doodlebug]

A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"


Little Johnny puts his hand up.


"One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."


"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher. "And the other?"


"Your mum's a ****."

 

[Doodlebug]

I was flirting with a drunk girl in a club last night, when I slowly ran my hand up her skirt and slipped my index finger into her minge.


As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.


That's when I looked at my mates and said, "Can you three **** off?"

 

[Doodlebug]

A policeman pulled me over on the motorway today.


"Hang on a minute," I said to my wife on the phone. "Yes, officer?"


He said, "You're talking on your mobile."


I said, "I know. I'm just telling my wife that I'm stuck in traffic and I may be home a few hours late."


"There is no traffic," he replied.


What a ****, I was winking at him as well.

 

[Doodlebug]

I've been cutting cars off and driving like a maniac ever since I put that "Honk if you're a paedophile" bumper sticker on my car.

 

[Doodlebug]

11am on Remembrance Sunday.
The two minute window of opportunity in the calendar year to get through to someone at British Gas.

 

[Doodlebug]

Why is it okay to kill a cow but the second you have sex with it, it is animal cruelty?

 

[Doodlebug]

I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know **** about cars, but I do know how good **** starts off

 

[Doodlebug]

http://www.wikiwirral.co.uk/forums/...umber/58585/filename/Wardrobe-malfunction.gif

 

[Doodlebug]

http://www.wikiwirral.co.uk/forums/ubbthreads.php/ubb/download/Number/58536/filename/2d7.png.gif

 

[Doodlebug]

http://www.wikiwirral.co.uk/forums/ubbthreads.php/ubb/download/Number/58538/filename/Z5Ood.gif

 

[Doodlebug]

While my girlfriend was showering I took a sneaky look at her Internet browsing history. I was shocked to see her last search was, 'how to enjoy sex with a boring guy with a small *****.'


The next thought that crossed my mind was, she must be cheating on me...


I ****ing hope she's cheating on me.

 

[Doodlebug]

I saw a man sleeping in the doorway of HMV. So, I snuggled in next to him.


They must have a ****ing good sale on tomorrow.

 

[Doodlebug]

My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big cheese and ham salad sandwich.


"Don't eat it just yet, just hold the plate" I said.


Five minutes later I took it off her and threw it in the bin.


"What the ****?!" she snarled.


"Remember this feeling," I said. "Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to hold you."

 

[Doodlebug]

"Dad, what's a tranny?" asked my eight year old.


"I'm surprised someone your age knows that word, son," I replied. "It's an old name for a portable radio."


"Now tell me," I continued. "What do you think of my new dress?"

 

[Barry98]

Modern Technology??
I bought my daughter an iPAD. I bought my son an iPOD. I bought myself an iPHONE. And I bought my wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed with the iRON - even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK, and iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service which I couldn't turn off and I later found out that it completely wiped out the iSHAG function...

 

[Doodlebug]

"Shagging you is like making love to a bag of spuds!" I said to my missus, "All you do is lay there."


"Shut the f**k up and peel off my knickers!" she replied.

 

[Doodlebug]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex
positions.


One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'


'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy 'What
is it?'


'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from
behind.


Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and
whisper in her ear:


'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'


Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

 

[Doodlebug]

Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.


Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to
Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife..
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.


Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends after reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. F***ing hot down here!