a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Doodlebug]

Lol

 

[stevetheplumber]

i was going to put this in the "likes " thread but thought it would be better in here

little boyis sobbing his heart out in a super market so the asistant asks him whats wrong
ive lost my mummy he sobs
ahh ses the assitant. never mind we will find her
"whats your mummy like" she asks
"Big cocks and vodka" ses the boy

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

we tell the truth about the weather in wales

 

[SafeGasInstall]

we tell the truth about the weather in wales

not real ist ?

 

[Dotty]

[h=5]My wife has been moaning for 2 days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement.

I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.[/h]

 

[Dotty]

[h=5]Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Father O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
[/h]

 

[Plum Bob 66]

My wife told me the best way to seduces man is nibble on his earlobes.I think it's ********.

 

[CES]

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to f**k the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a s**t on the floor and **** everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink c**k.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that.

(note: Im not really going to rob a bank tomorrow incase the above scenario actually happens)

 

[CES]

Breaking News!...
Nurse Jacintha Saldanha has turned up safe and well .
In a phone call to an Australian radio DJ she said " Beat that for a f**king wind up, you Aussie w**ker!

 

[CES]

Wife was working away so I let my eight year old son stay up late and watch a dvd with me.
5 mins into the film he said "Daddy that lady looks frightened. Is she going to die"?
I don't believe hiding the harsh realities of life from a child so I told him the truth.
"Yes son" I said. "Judging by the size of that horses c**k I'd say she will."

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

gouge out my eyes for fooks sake

 

[villa_tom]

Times must be hard this year, I've opened 20 christmas cards today and not one bit of money dropped out.


I'll have to skip breakfast now at the sorting office canteen.

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

nice tat

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

dead *****

 

[villa_tom]

[DLMURL]http://vpic.epicfail.com/epicfail/incero-mobile-highq/12_15_happy.wmv.mp4[/DLMURL]

annoyed employee.

 

[Dotty]

I was laying up in bed watching Babestation when I rang the number at the bottom of the screen.
"Hey sexy!" Said the babe, "And what can I do for you tonight?"
"You see that sofa you're laying on?" I said.
"Sure sweetie!" She replied.
"you couldn't jump over the back of it and hide could you?"
"Of course sexy, but why?"
"Well my wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the remote!"

 

[tamz]

I just said to the wife any chance of a blow before you pis s off to bed.
Sure she said, i'll blow that fuc king candle out cos you'll forget!

 

[JCplumb]

 

[Howsie]

It's freezing cold outside, frost and fog everywhere.

But on the plus side, don't the homeless look festive?

 

[chris watkins]

It's freezing cold outside, frost and fog everywhere.

But on the plus side, don't the homeless look festive?

Not funny ! IMHO

 

[Howsie]

Irony and satire. It's what us British were brought up on.

 

[chris watkins]

Irony and satire. It's what us British were brought up on.

There are levels in humour & that one hit the bottom, IMHO.

 

[villa_tom]

There are levels in humour & that one hit the bottom, IMHO.

Its no worse than some of the other things that have been written on here mate. It's only a joke and want meant to offend.

 

[JCplumb]

4 word joke, courtesy of Jimmy Carr:

Venison's deer isn't it?

 

[Howsie]

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."