a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Howsie]

I've just drove through Middlesbrough.

The Mayans were right.

 

[JCplumb]

My kids keep on taking the **** out my alzheimers. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.

 

[TomLane]

Not sure if this has been on here before, I saw it on FB earlier & thought it appropriate!

 

[JCplumb]

What's the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono

 

[Dotty]

A recent survey has revealed the UK's most desirable place.


It's between Kelly Brooks' ****.

 

[Howsie]

A recent survey has revealed the UK's most desirable place.


It's between Kelly Brooks' ****.

I see you frequent the dame website as me.

 

[villa_tom]

We bought our son a 'Pac Man' cake for his birthday.


At least that's what I told him, my wife's a greedy, fat pig.

 

[Dotty]

On the first day of Christmas my true love got for me - a partridge in a pear tree.

I got her a ***king iPad mini.

It's over.

 

[Howsie]

Guns don't kill people ... footballs do.

****.

 

[villa_tom]

On Christmas morning, when your children tell you that their new phones are the wrong colour, their new laptops are not good enough for their particular needs, and your wife tells you that the 1800 quid necklace you got for her is "Nice," please spare a thought for those on their own.


And try not to get jelous.

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Kyle87]

a woman who hadnt had sex, or even a date for a long time was getting worried so she went to see someone,
that someone was chinese sex expert, Dr Yam.

Dr Yam brought her into his room and said ' take off orr yor crose and craw reary reary fas to otha side of room'
so the woman took off all her clothes and crawled realy fast to the other side of the room.
'ok! now craw back'

when the woman got back to Dr Yam he made a long sigh and said ' what you have is reary bad case of Ed-Zackery disease'

the woman, completely shocked at the thought of having a disease replied, 'oh my god! what the hell is Ed-Zackery disease?'

Dr Yam looked up at the woman and answered.......'WHEN YOUR FACE LOOK ED-ZACKERY LIKE YOUR AR**!!

 

[Dotty]

I think my neighbour is growing some vegetables in his car.

He's been sat in there with the hosepipe for hours now.

 

[Dotty]

I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat."

"Oh no," she cried, "Is he in a bad way?"

"Put it this way," I said, "My cricket bat snapped in half."

 

[Dotty]

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?"

"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."

 

[villa_tom]

........

 

[Dotty]

I had eighteen bottles of whisky on the whisky and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

 

[Dotty]

:d:d:d

 

[TomLane]

View attachment 9804

What's considered regularly? Once a day or every other day? :sweatdrop:

 

[Dotty]

What's considered regularly? Once a day or every other day? :sweatdrop:

Only you can answer that Grasshopper!

 

[julesverne]

;0)))))))))