a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Dotty]

He he he

 

[PlumbBobBob]

 

[PlumbBobBob]

 

[PlumbBobBob]

 

[tamz]

View attachment 9809

He he he

I wish you'd posted that the other day :lol:

 

[Dotty]

May have been done before, don't care, still bloody funny!

One for our Caledonian brethren!

 

[Barry98]

‎4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionair*e. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations* for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment.* The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

 

[Dotty]

Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so you subconsciously type what you were ****.

 

[tamz]

I once (long ago) walked up to the bar at the club and as i ordered the drinks i saw one of my mothers (most milf) friends was working behind the bar. I asked for 3 pints of i'd shag her!
The woman serving me said "will that be Irene Tam? as i turned a scarlet red!

 

[Howsie]

 

[Howsie]

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one.

He's never gonna give you Up.

 

[TomLane]

His Spidey senses were tingling!

 

[Howsie]

oxymoron - ox·y·mo·ron

A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a mournful optimist.

And a female comedian.

 

[Howsie]

I seem to be playing Cluedo: Frigid Wife Edition rather a lot these days.

It's always me, in the doghouse with my search history.

 

[Barry98]

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"


Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"


The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"


And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!" And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"


And Little Johnny replied, " homework and tests!"

 

[Barry98]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:


'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'


Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'


The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'


Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'


The teacher replied, 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to
say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'


'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?'


Johnny replied, 'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner'.'


The teacher fainted.......

 

[SimonG]

Paddy and Murphy working on site.
Paddy fancies a day off and tells Murphy he's going to chuck a sickie.
Murphy says he'll struggle as he is already at work.
Foreman comes round and here's Paddy hanging upside down from the scaffolding. 'What you doing you clown' the foreman says to Paddy. 'I'm a lightbulb' he replies.
The foreman immediately tells Paddy to go home as he's obviously been working too hard.
Ten minutes later the foreman comes back and sees Murphy packing up his tools. 'and what do you think you're doing Murphy?'
Murphy replies 'Well I'm off home, you can't expect me to work in the dark'

 

[Howsie]

I'm not saying my girlfriend's fat, but the first time she tried pole dancing she snapped the pole and ended up taking all the phone lines down with her.

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

nicked from a landy forum made me laugh

Guard dogs in cars!
I was told this a few years back( unsure how true it was, but it made me chuckle)
Bloke parks his car in Liverpool to watch his footy team take on Liverpool.
Two boys approach him and ask for a fiver to watch his car and stop anyone doing anything to it.
Bloke sais, no chance lads as I've got my big dog in the back and it's nasty as ****.
So no one is gonna nick my car or nick anything that is in it.

The two lads then asked the bloke if his dog was any good at putting fires out!

The bloke quickly paid the lads a fiver.lol

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

I want...................

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very
good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 game with Call of Duty IV and an iPad for Christmas. I hope you
remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
*******************************
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.
Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games, texting, sending BBMs and on Facebook.. Santa wouldn't want you
to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something so you can go outside and play.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
*******************************
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see
your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one
of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a
year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
*******************************
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request
and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right.
Please know, however, that my solicitors have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident
and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve
your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom
of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S. Claus
*******************************
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and
my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your
fat bum and I'm taking my game console, my game, my iPad, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
*******************************
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously?? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a
skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius?
You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see
ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Domino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your
mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your
arse and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S. Clizzy
*******************************
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
*******************************
Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little bugger!
Santa

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

teacher asks her class of 8 year olds

who can tell me a twelve letter word..

after a short silence johnny puts his hand up

teacher say go on then johnny

masterbation shouts johnny proudly

thats abit of a mouthfull says the teacher

NO miss shouts johnny thats a blow job

 

[Barry98]

Your timmy aren't you and it was aall over a landrover