a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Howsie]

I got the DVD of the highlights of the Olympics recently, but was disappointed to find it didn't contain any coverage of the Paralympics.

Apparently that's only on the Special Edition.

 

[Barry98]

a good one

You should go thump him for putting that on your door DP , then go see a doc about it

 

[Dotty]

You should go thumb him for putting that on your door DP , then go see a doc about it

*snigger*

 

[dancinplumba]

*snigger*

does he mean 'thump' croppie lol

 

[Barry98]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.


One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I
have been married for 20+ years. We were
chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.


We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.


My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfrie
nd came over and
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ''You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you." Then we made love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office and I was wearing the leather bodice,
heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a
word, but we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing
the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a
mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner,
Batman?"

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Howsie]

If the rumours about Arsenal signing David Villa are true.

At least there'll still be one Villa in the Premier League next year.

/ sorry Tom

 

[SimonG]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It
keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this
**** but me."

 

[Rob Sale]

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for
the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below
catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady of generous proportions -
More Than.
Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's
Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !
Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

 

[dancinplumba]

who are theives ?

 

[Howsie]

Lol - dumb bum marin

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

thats going on FB

 

[Leo21]

That should be going up on all our borders, let alone Facebook.

 

[dancinplumba]

me too

 

[Barry98]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[SimonG]

This one seems familiar, but too many posts to check through now.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun,




Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness,if she could help it, and do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?', asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?', said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old *******, said the old nun.
'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!'

 

[mikegas]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

 

[Barry98]

Hehehe

 

[Howsie]

Got me thinking.

 

[Barry98]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and
sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.


He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :


'To Fly. To Serve'.


The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:


'Winning the hearts of the world'.


Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:


'Going beyond expectations'.


The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the F*ck do you want?'


'Ah!' he says


"Ryanair".

 

[Barry98]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"


His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."