a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[Barry98]

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not..1 point for beer!


Beer is horrible, when it is hot..1 point for women!


A cold beer satisfies you..1 point for beer!


For a beer, you pay taxes..1 point for women!


If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry..1 point for beer!


You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a beer..1 point for beer!


If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself..1 point for beer!


You know exactly how much a beer costs..1 point for beer!


A beer does not have a mother..1 point for beer!


A Beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after having it..1 point for beer!


So the Score is...


Beer beats women
8 to 2


If you're a guy, enjoy this message..If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, know that a beer would never get angry..FINAL SCORE : 9 to 2

 

[dancinplumba]

nickin that for fb bod

 

[turnpin]

Fella chats up a nice looking girl in a pub and as the evening progresses asks if she would like to join him back at his place ..I'd love to but i'm on my monthly cycle ..no problem says he I,v got my honda fifty outside if I go slowly you can follow me!!!! regards turnpin

 

[Howsie]

I've just built a slide for the kids in the garden.

It gets them out the van and into the cellar quicker.

 

[Barry98]

January sales have been ****! Boots don't sell boots, Curries don't sell curries, Selfridges don't sell fridges, and as for Virgin Megastore

 

[kay-jay]

 

[kay-jay]

one for system to mull over.........

 

[kay-jay]

a snapshot into zeebedanks teenage years.....

 

[Paulplumb]

Just had this sent me apologies if it's been posted before


Dear Sir

On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.
Also for the charming photograph of your wife that you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected,
I must point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".


Kind regards
Editor Channel Four

 

[JCplumb]

Liquid plumber double impact...
[video=youtube;Z7fz0jpuLkM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7fz0jpuLkM[/video]

 

[Ray Stafford]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of hot looking young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam over to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[Ray Stafford]

 

[Ray Stafford]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[Paulplumb]

The man with the recent hand transplant has just been caught shoplifting in Tesco......... turns out the donor was a scouser !

 

[Masood]

A monkey, who was cleverer than the rest, discovered that if he used sticks and stones as tools, he could get far more food than with his bare hands. So, he got to thinking, and experimenting, and refining, until eventually he ended up with a four-point tool. Each point was designed for a particular job, be it getting honey from a hive without being stung, or pulling grubs out of tree bark. Monkey was very. very proud of his four-point tool, and became the envy of all the other monkeys.

One day, Monkey woke to find that his four-point tool was missing. Heartbroken and angry, he started searching for it. He looked high and low, in every nook and cranny, to no avail. He started interrogating the other animals, trying to find his beloved four-point tool.

After many days, he heard a rumour that a Jaguar had been seen near his tree on the day the four-point tool went missing. Monkey went off in search of Jaguar. Finally confronting him in a cave, Monkey demanded whether Jaguar knew of the whereabouts of his four-point tool. Jaguar, rather shamefacedly admitted that he'd eaten it. Monkey demanded to know why a Jaguar would eat a four-point tool. Jaguar replied, "I can't help it, it's in my nature - I'm a 4.2 litre Jaguar"...

 

[SimonG]

'I applied the brakes as hard as I could, but the car wouldn't stop and I hit the car in front'
'A blonde woman jumped out of her car shouting "Ram me up the fookin ar se, why don't you?"'

'and that your honour, is where all the confusion began!!!!'

 

[kay-jay]

paddy's wife has never had an ****** so the doctor diagnosed that she was overheating during sex so paddy gets his mate murphy round to waft a towel on them while they have sex. after 20 mins still no ****** so murphy suggests they swap "i'll shag her and you waft the towel paddy"
within seconds paddy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the most amazing ******. paddy turns to murphy and says
"that my friend is how you waft a towel":biggrin5:

 

[villa_tom]

........

 

[julesverne]

Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen (Chatroulette Version) - YouTube

this made me laugh my **** off so much

could someone from the poowers that be delete the post above not sure what happened

 

[JCplumb]

Wish I had the guts to put this on mine

 

[Howsie]

I just love taking care of the wife when she gets the flu.

She is yet to discover my old *****/rectal thermometer switcheroo trick.

 

[TomLane]

In today's world of social networking, blogs & smartphones ...........

 

[TomLane]

Forum dwellers.....

 

[Ray Stafford]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone in a BMW would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury service.

 

[julesverne]

i think i'm going to hell for this one because i nearly pee'd myself laughing