a monday pick me up contains adult humour

[villa_tom]

Just had this sent to me. Not sure if its to much to post, so please feel free to delete if I've gone to far. It made me laugh though

 

[Bunker]

My laptop's been playing up, when Windows boots up it plays the Bond theme 'Sky fall '....

Found the problem it’s a DELL

 

[Howsie]

I seem to get erections in the most awkward places.

Last night I had one while I was in bed with the wife.

 

[peteheat]

Just had this sent to me. Not sure if its to much to post, so please feel free to delete if I've gone to far. It made me laugh though

Mods Please remove the offensive half of the image, never could stand Homer Simpson

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

scouse weather forecast [video=youtube;FNiIbpRXUtM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNiIbpRXUtM[/video]

 

[TomLane]

Amazing!

 

[Bunker]

Top tip for customer service: Farting into a vacuum cleaner does help dilute the smell. Saves alot of embarrassing moments. Just be careful of nozzle placement especially if wearing thin trousers.

 

[Howsie]

Olly Murrs has revealed he has a sister who works in the plastic industry.

Polly.

 

[SimonG]

An Egyptian plice spokesman has said that witnesses heard the hot air balloon pilot send out a warning just before it crashed.

It was a case of Toot and Ka Boom.

 

[dancinplumba]

off fb not into football but thought it funny

 

[Billy Bob Bob]

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to a D-I-Y shop

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.


Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.

You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.

You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to a DIY shop to get something to help complete the job.


Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing.
Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite aftershave because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane, and you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite aftershave to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute aftershave is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing.
No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes.
The mirror was ****tered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.
Wait to go to B&Q until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.
Start again.
Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q.

Go to Asda instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a DIY ?
Something for my garden?
Where am I?
Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?
Did you?


this is getting too close to the truth!

 

[dancinplumba]

for the ladies

 

[dancinplumba]

feel the need for speed ?

 

[Bunker]

Hi chaps, really need your advice for serious problem!
I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating, The usual signs; phone rings, if l answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep due to working all hours. Anyway last night about midnight i hid in the garage by my motorbike, when she came home she got out of someones car, she was buttoning up her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched next to the bike l noticed it... a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket.. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

 

[Howsie]

"G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Thanks mate, bye"

 

[Howsie]

Come on, own up. Which one of you is @angryplumber ?

 

[Howsie]

A man is feared dead in America after a sinkhole appeared in his home.

I'd better get the council to have a look at the ones in my kitchen and bathroom.

 

[turnpin]

Fella go,s for a job as a handyman advertised with the criteria "must have keen sense of smell" when he arrive's he meet's the man advertising the job bent as anine bob note I must put a blindfold on you and test your sense of smell he said...what can you smell ...easy the chap say's that's a lemon ......what can you smell now ...strawberry jam....then the light's go out for the chap who wake's up on the bed with his head spinning....where am I ?...what happened? .....what was the last thing you remember smelling?....chloroform I think...yeah say's the prospective employer make's your rse feel sore dosent it........regards turnpin:yes:

 

[kay-jay]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[PlumbBobBob]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy told me last year, that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[Howsie]

Brilliant.

 

[Howsie]

So wong.

 

[Dotty]

[h=5]My ears pricked up when I heard something about the late Justin Bieber on the BBC news.[/h]

 

[Dotty]

[h=5]So it appears that not even Justin Bieber wants to go to a Justin Bieber concert...[/h]

 

[Barry98]

My ears pricked up when I heard something about the late Justin Bieber on the BBC news.

Yeah even he don't like his own concerts